|
Situation Has Deteriorated Enterprises, Inc. Todd E. Diener July 21, 2008 Dear Admiral Asshat: Jesus H. Sharkfucking Christ in a lunchbox. What in the name of Nebuchadnezzar’s pisshole are you thinking? I fucking went to your fucking restaurant on fucking Saturday for the only fucking reason I ever fucking go there which is to have an Awesome fucking Blossom. I ordered it right after I ordered my drink. But it is fucking gone. It is not on the menu anymore. It has been banished to the realm of shadows. Do you think I go to your soulless husk of a restaurant for your fajitas or tacos or quesedillas? No, I can get salmonella at Taco Bell for a third of the price. Do you think the El Presidente margarita is some kind of draw? No, you miserable taintlicker, it is not. The Presidente tastes like it’s already been pre-filtered through Cheech Marin’s kidneys. Where is your fucking obnoxious ad campaign, announcing your insane decision, to save me the trouble of visiting your cookie-cutter establishment? You know, with the whole crew, and instead of singing the old jingle “Chiliiii’s – babyback ribs” you can sing “Chili’s – awesome blossom is gone” and the bass voice that says “barbeque sauce” can now say “go fuck yourself. ” People will get the drift, then. And you know, the hostess even heard me talking about my craving while I waited for a table and she kept her mouth shut. I pray to Vishnu that she will burn in hell for her sin of omission. Is this the result of the New York thing, requiring restaurants to show how many calories are in each item? Guess what! I know that the Awesome Blossom has 2700 Christ-humping calories. CALORIES ARE DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO DELICIOUSNESS. And even if I didn’t know the exact number, I am grown-up enough to realize that when you take something and slice it into its thinnest possible components and then CAKE EACH TINY PIECE IN FRIED GOODNESS, it is not a positive choice for a heart-healthy lifestyle. I CAN MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR MYSELF, YOU CRYPTOFASCIST MOUNTEBANK I don’t want to eat at your shitty establishment every week. But God-damn-ass-crap-it, when I want an Awesome Blossom, I sure as shitballs should be able to get one. Maybe this decision was not yours, personally, but you are the captain of this particular epicurean Titanic, so I fault you. And now that I think about it, I am going to follow-up and investigate whether you are involved in other recent wrongs I have suffered, viz., 1) the closing of the Burger King on North Ave., 2) the closing of Cactus (which by the way had better quesedillas) with nothing being built in its place 3) my Red Line stop has been closed on weekends for like a year now. If you want to contact me I’ll be at fucking Outback Steakhouse eating Bloomin Onions because the fake Australians have retained, for the time being, a little bit more man-juice in their metaphoric scrotums than you and your fake Mexicans, or fake Arizonans, I can never really tell which you are supposed to be. Warmest Regards, Pete cc: Barack Obama |
Related: sign the unofficial petition to bring back the Blossom.
Sort of related throwback: my slightly less furious tirade against Burger King regarding the onion ring in the fries issue.
July 21, 2008 at 5:34 pm |
I will be hiring you to write all of my complaint letters from now on.
July 21, 2008 at 9:11 pm |
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS LETTER…. you said everything I was thinking and then some. I went tonight for the SOLE reason of having an awesome blossom…. when I asked the waitress WHY…. she just replied, “corporate decided to take it off” what kind of answer is that anyway? Screw them…. I’ll be at Outback with you.
July 21, 2008 at 10:47 pm |
I HAD THIS EXACT SAME THOUGHT LAST FRIDAY WHEN I WAS AT CHILI’S!
But then I was suddenly and magically on my second fishbowl of margarita and was having difficulty saying the word “Aurora” so onions were not high on the list of priorities.
Go to Outback, man. It’s way manlier than Chili’s.
July 22, 2008 at 9:08 am |
SO TRUE!!! I was in a Chili’s in Michigan a couple of weeks ago and ordered an Awesome Blossom without even opening the menu. And then they said there were no Blossoms? They have taken the Awesome out of Chili’s? Then they have successfully taken the ANGELA out of Chili’s as well!!! GAH! (To add insult to injury, they then served me a drink that was dark green and tasted of coconut shampoo.)
July 22, 2008 at 9:18 am |
PLEASE tell me you actually sent this.
July 22, 2008 at 9:20 am |
Um this letter was seriously amazing. Did you really write “christ-humping”? You are my hero.
July 22, 2008 at 10:41 am |
This is now my favorite thing you’ve ever written. You know things are going downhill when you have to pause and actually THINK about where you can find an Awesome Blossom. I thought this was America. Perhaps I’ve been mistaken.
You had me at Jesus H. Sharkfucking Christ in a lunchbox. Send it.
July 22, 2008 at 11:48 am |
Barack Obama will solve this, but he will make you go to the gym.
July 22, 2008 at 4:25 pm |
i was with him when this happened. after our waiter apologized, pete threw a hissy fit. honestly, i’ve never heard a quesadilla ordered with such bitterness.
July 24, 2008 at 2:22 pm |
Wow. I found your blog through Jenn’s and I think my co-workers are staring at me because I was laughing so hard. I used to work at Chili’s they blow. Who steals a bloomin’ onion off the menu? that’s like stealing ice cube trays.
July 24, 2008 at 2:47 pm |
BTF – Outback may be manlier but it is also more out-by-O’Hare-ier. Chili’s was right the fuck in the middle of River North. I say was because it is dead to me.
Deutlich and Maxie – Sadly I cannot actually send this under my real name. But it’s an open letter for the world to see. Maybe Todd will google himself in the near future.
Damsel is pretty much correct, I would describe it more as mournful pouting with occasional profane outbursts than a hissy fit. Or I guess that’s what a hissy-fit is.
Jessica – What you meant to say is that you have been religiously following my blog since the Chicago blogger meet-up when you met me IRL. I was not aware however that you probably work 2 floors above me, relating to the public. WordPress is informative.
July 25, 2008 at 9:06 am |
totally epic. i’m a bit soul-crushed though, as i believe i’m about to work right across from a chili’s and i was kinda excited about the idea of a blossom and fifteen beers on friday afternoons.
July 26, 2008 at 9:56 am |
How dare they! This letter was warranted.
July 29, 2008 at 10:44 am |
[...] the situation has deteriorated « a letter to chili’s [...]
August 8, 2008 at 11:11 am |
This makes me want to move to Chicago
August 18, 2008 at 2:05 pm |
oh my god. i love this.
November 11, 2008 at 3:13 pm |
[...] an admittedly more thorough Lego Exo-Force diorama when THIS blogger has reached out to you on the still outstanding issue of the missing awesome blossom? You were clearly CCed on my letter to the chief asshat at Chili’s. And just because I [...]
November 21, 2008 at 5:26 pm |
Haha i laughed so hard my chair tilted and i fell in the floor lol I love this letter but hate that they took it off the menus too. I haven’t been back since they too kit off…
March 12, 2009 at 7:01 pm |
This letter warmed my heart