Goose-Stepping Morons Like Yourself…

Anybody who talks to me more than five minutes knows that I love Chicago. So it pains me to say I’m disappointed with the city council for passing a ban on foie gras.

I don’t give a shit about foie gras. I’ve never had foie gras. I will live a happy life if I never taste foie gras. But a person eating foie gras hasn’t done shit to me.

Smokers, on the other hand, have. They stink up my clothes. They give me a bigger headache than the one I bring on myself from booze alone. It’s possible that they increase my cancer risk, but even if they don’t, I reek. And people have to work in bars and restaurants and breathe that stuff day in and day out.

There is no secondhand foie gras.

The ban is troubling for two reasons. The first is that this is a pet issue of the animal lobby. If the basis for this ban is that it’s cruel to animals, then my precious veal can’t be far off. Let’s not forget the fact that what we do with animals is the following: KILL THEM AND EAT THEM. Whatever we do to them before we KILL THEM AND EAT THEM pales in comparison to the fact that we are going to KILL THEM AND EAT THEM. Imagine two scenarios, if you will. In the first, at the age of 23, somebody KILLS YOU AND EATS YOU (you’ll just have to take my word for the fact you got eaten, as you won’t be around to find out). In the second, they brutally force feed you for several years. Then they KILL YOU AND EAT YOU. Which scenario is preferred? If you answered the second, you are wrong, because in that scenario, somebody still KILLED YOU AND ATE YOU. Of course the logical extension of this line of thinking is, if you don’t like being KILLED and EATEN, neither do animals. While this is true, the suffering of a cow must be weighed against a compelling countervailing human interest, namely my interest in consuming a hamburger. Since I am a rational person, I’ll hear arguments from both sides.

ME: I enjoy hamburgers. First of all they’re tasty. Second of all I can put cheese on it, and since cheese is a dairy product, and I am using multiple parts of the cow, I feel sort of like an Indian. Third, hamburgers provide me with beneficial proteins which allow me to grow sideburns that my mom criticizes (“You look like a Russian Jew.”) Finally, they go well with fries.
JUDGE: Thank you for your statement. Rebuttal?
COW: Moooo.
I see. [grabs my hand and thrusts it into the air like I’m Mike Tyson circa 1988. We Are The Champions begins to play. I eat the cow.]

That’s my first reason. Second reason is broader. A quote from the article:

“The laws that we adopt embody the values and mores of our constituents,” said alderman Joe Moore who sponsored the ordinance and fought for months to gain its near-unanimous passage.

This sounds like representative democracy, which is a horrible thing. I hope you knew this. How do we know it’s bad? Well for starters, George W. Bush is always talking positively about democracy. Perhaps that’s not enough for you. Fine. Here’s another group of people embarking on a course of action that embodies the values and mores of the constituent members.
Of course what makes this country better than an angry mob, sometimes, is the constitutional protections given to minorities. (Political minorities. Not ethnic minorities, they get the shaft.) Embodying the values and mores of our constituents is no good if the values and mores are retarded (to say nothing of the constituents). If we outlaw something, it had better be causing some TANGIBLE harm to PEOPLE. You know, the same entities that drew up the Constitution and formed the society that makes the laws. Harm to any non-foie-gras consuming human by the consumption of foie gras by others? None. So this is not an area for the government to take action.

I hope that we can all band together and solve this in time-honored tradition, by bribing our councilmen into repealing this law. I have little doubt PETA used this tactic to get it passed in the first place.


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