Top 10 Ways To Kill Self At Work Due To Bear’s Loss

10. OD on store-brand ibuprofen which I keep in office for headaches and hangovers.
9. Slit wrists with letter opener.
8. Scotch tape mouth, nostrils shut.
7. Throw printer through 61st story window, follow printer.
6. Two words: stapler, jugular.
5. Hang self with incredibly long phone cord.
4. Pour styrofoam cup of water onto carpet, jab letter opener into electric socket.
3. Poison self with ink from the pens that always start leaking when you take them on an airplane.
2. Jump in front of mail cart as it comes around.
1. Use assault rifle I keep in filing cabinet under R (for “rifle”).

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