Makin’ it Great

It has come to my attention that there are somehow still people out there who do not know what the Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet is. This upsets me. There is no reason for this sort of lack of knowledge in our modern times with intertubes and iThings and so forth.

One of my most time-honored traditions on road-trips, especially when I am driving alone for great distances, is to stop by a Pizza Hut for their world-renowned lunch buffet. Pizza Huts are interspersed along much of our federal interstate highway system, even in (perhaps especially in) our more downtrodden areas (full of poors).* The trick is timing your drive to arrive at the Pizza Hut between the hours of 11:30 and 1 – the lunch buffet is not available all day people!

One time on my way to Virginia I passed a Pizza Hut at 11:20. I certainly was not going to stop and squander ten minutes waiting for the festivities to commence. Little did I know that I had almost deprived myself of Pizza Hut for the whole day! I did not pass another one until 12:55, in some backwoods tiny mountain town in West Virginia. I think the parking lot had like a 15% grade. But all was well, and I enjoyed my feast with the same people who are at every Pizza Hut lunch buffet, which is a mother with two small children, a few painters, and (in more civilized areas) three fat guys in suits.

The procedure is simple. You enter the Hut and are seated. The waitress will likely ask you whether you want the buffet. This question usually comes right as she is seating you so be prepared! The answer is “yes” or “yeah.” You will probably also want a beverage. A bright maroon plastic tower of Pepsi will be procured for you.

Now you are free to explore the buffet. Here is a map.

You can start with the salad bar. I would not overdo it (don’t even touch it at Fogo de Chao, but that is another post for another day). Perhaps some caesar salad. If there are radishes I eat those, because radishes are good.

Now. On a new plate, you want to get some BREADSTICKS. The breadsticks are really the lynchpin of the Pizza Hut lunch buffet experience. Use the black plastic tongs to remove the breadsticks from their Dome of Warmth and place them on your plate. Next, carefully scoop some sauce out of the big metal dealie. Plop it on the plate. Make sure that the breadsticks have a lot of seasoning on them. Sometimes they fuck up and put little or no seasoning on the breadsticks. You can make a stink about it but a pro tip is to just push your breadstick around in the Dome of Warmth and pick up seasoning that fell from breadsticks long-ago.

OK, awesome. Now it’s pizza time. This can be a crapshoot. Basically there are between 4-6 pizzas at any one time. Usually you’ll have about a 2:1 pan-thin crust ratio. A typical lineup will be Supreme, Meat Lovers, Ham and Pineapple, Cheese, Sausage. If your favorites aren’t on that list, fear not. The servers are bringing piping hot pies out of the kitchen all the time. What’s the next topping going to be? Nobody knows! That’s part of the fun.

For dessert there is usually some sort of weird pie/pizza and nobody really knows what the deal is. Nobody eats it though because they’re all crammed full of breadsticks and normal pizza.

This concludes this post.

* Rich people eat at Sopprafina, which sucks.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: