I used to have a sub-blog solely for complaints. I’ve decided to consolidate my various blogs into a one-stop shop for all my various neuroses. Instead of porting the old complaints in one by one, I’m just going to slap some of them together in this thread. Update in response to my friends who were concerned about my blood pressure: These complaints were posted over the course of a year. I am not carrying around this much anger at any given moment.

  • Well, they finally did it. They fucking killed BK. The closest BK to me has now shut down. How is it that nobody can fucking operate a Burger King in this city. I passed 3 McDonald’s on the way. Now the nearest BK is like up in Wrigleyville. That’s the fucking end of me. BK is my god damn hangover comfort food. Now I can’t get it. FUCK FUCK. Maybe don’t operate a goddamn TACO FRESCO in the same building. Nobody wants Taco Fresco. Nobody knows what Taco Fresco is. Way to give make 50% of your franchise worth zero.
  • I never understood the phrase “Well-behaved women rarely make history.” Poorly-behaved women rarely make history also.
  • Insects are proof that either God does not exist, or that he exists and he hates us.
  • The reason Cingular has “the least dropped calls of any network” is because you cannot drop a call if you can’t get a goddamn signal in the first place. FUCK YOU CINGULAR IS THE NEW AT&T. Also on that note, I used to have AT&T Wireless, then Cingular bought it, then AT&T bought Cingular, and now it’s AT&T again. Is that some fucked up antitrust bullshit or what?
  • I hate people who look stupid. One just walked past me.
  • I don’t like the word “foodies.”
  • I never want to hear a sentence containing two or more of the following names: Charlie Weis, Tom Brady, Brady Quinn, Bill Belichick. Frankly I’d be fine not hearing any more sentences that contain ANY of the above.
  • I do not like shopping for clothes. It is hard enough to find a shirt I like, aesthetically speaking. Then when I actually find such a shirt, I try it on only to realize it is designed for fats. I am not a fat. I do not want to wear clothes that make it look like I am trying to conceal a gut when I have no gut.
  • I don’t like when I tune in for a Three’s Company episode and it’s with the Ropers instead of Mr. Furley. Fuck the Ropers.
  • You can’t get kiwi ice cream in this country.
  • Giving me large fries because my order took too long at McDonalds: GOOD. Neglecting to salt the fries: VERY FUCKING BAD YOU FUCKS.
  • I am very sweaty today in my suit because I am not 100% recovered from my fever yesterday. I feel like Bruce Pearl.
  • The walls between offices here are too thin. I can hear the partner next door on speakerphone all day. Also it keeps me from cranking my tunes on my sweet new iPod speakers. Iron Maiden was not meant to be consumed at less than 80 db.
  • I need new jeans, sneakers, black dress shoes, a suit, some work shirts, and probably socks, and I have neither the time nor the inclination to shop for them.
  • I have waited a long time to try squid. Now I have. I find it rubbery, then gooey, and generally flavorless.
  • Walking into a bathroom and seeing a bathroom attendant is like being sucker-punched in the kidney. Especially if you don’t have a single to throw at the guy. I’m not going to stand there and make change while men unzip their pants all around me. And when it’s a shitty bar (I’m looking at you, Joe’s on Weed St.) it’s all the more inexcusable.
  • I have pain under my right shoulder blade.
  • The Pizza Hut express I like to frequent has been out of Pepsi for a week and half. I have ordered Mountain Dew as a substitute both times, and both times I have immediately regretted not getting Sierra Mist instead.
  • In football, fullbacks should be called halfbacks and halfbacks should be called fullbacks. Quarter, half, full. Do the math.
  • The new Soft Scrub bottle design is faulty. The goo comes blorping out in oversized globs.
  • The people at Corner Bakery frequently forget to put croutons in my caesar salad. There are three fucking ingredients in caesar salad. Leaves, dressing, and croutons (maybe some cheese). How brain-dead are you to say, here is a complete caesar salad, even though it is just a pile of damp leaves without croutons.

An update: You can get kiwi gelato at the Venetian in Vegas, and it is delicious.


4 Responses to “catharsis”

  1. Kayleigh Says:

    Great post; lots of great stuff going on here. I know about that BK on North/LaSalle area going out of business. I have been there many a hungover time. How depressing, and yes, who gives a hoot about T. Fresco. What a joke.

    And the kiwi gelato thing is intriguing me big time. But now I have to go back to Vegas to try some? Shoot.

  2. in your face, city council « the situation has deteriorated Says:

    […] this post was the reason the ban was overturned. Hopefully the city council can now tackle the stupid-looking-people […]

  3. a letter to chili’s « the situation has deteriorated Says:

    […] and investigate whether you are involved in other recent wrongs I have suffered, viz., 1) the closing of the Burger King on North Ave., 2) the closing of Cactus (which by the way had better quesedillas) with nothing […]

  4. they are hot on my trail « the situation has deteriorated Says:

    […] hungover food is Burger King. I live about 4 blocks away from the one that was on North and Wells. They closed it and now I have to drive basically to Humboldt Park for a Whopper.  It is now a Fifth/Third Bank […]

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