the kuma burger post

The following is apparently a collaborative effort with the ineffable Kenny Havok at Zubaz and Cock Rock and Cutley of Robot in Disguise, which is not, as I had hoped, a blog about Styx’s 1983 magnum opus Kilroy Was Here but is a pretty damn good blog nonetheless.

Kenny Havok has blogged about our visit to Kuma’s Corner, which has excellent half-pound burgers named after heavy metal bands, but also has ludicrously long wait times, especially if you are waiting for your first meal of the day at 9:30 pm on a Sunday. All in all it is a good experience though.

I also received a massage from Mr. Havok, which helped with the waiting.

I ordered something called a YOB burger. I don’t know if that’s Y.O.B. or yob and even the esteemed Mr. Havok wasn’t sure, although he did inform me that they were a well known “doom metal” band. Then he explained what doom metal was.

I can’t pretend to be a metalhead. I’m a commercial litigator whose idea of a good time is raspberry sorbet topped with rainbow sprinkles (you think I’m lying). Sure my iPod has no shortage of Metallica, Zeppelin, AC/DC, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden. But it also has at least one Spice Girls song on it, and I like it, even if I have no idea what the words are. (“Shake it to the left, if you’re having a good time, shave me upside down, I’m going to Cucamonga?”)

Anyway, along with Kenny’s post here, here are my suggestions for burgers named after rock bands. Kuma already has burgers named after some of these bands, but I think my suggestions, of course, are better.

Led Zeppelin
Led Zeppelin likes their burgers like they like their women – stuffed with mudshark.

T. Rex
Girl I made a burger for ya
From a unicorn horn, and a hat I’ve worn
Topped with hydra teeth, and a holly wreath
With a side of fries made from mongoose thighs.
Served on a hubcap diamond star halo oh yeah.

(If the T. Rex seems tasty but a half-pound is too much, order up the quarter-pound Dio.)

Lita Ford
No meat, just a pair of hot buns.

Van Halen
Tastes pretty good to start. Tastes different after a few bites but still good. Then suddenly the whole thing falls apart, and no matter how you try to reassemble it, it always goes to pieces right when you think you’re about to get another delicious bite.

Metallica
Dave Mustaine will personally piss on every one of these burgers.

Guns’N’Roses
Topped with water chestnuts, bok choi, and szechuan sauce, the kitchen will have that ready for you “any minute now.”

Take that one to heart.

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