a letter to chili’s

Situation Has Deteriorated Enterprises, Inc.
Department Of Major Fucking Grievances

Todd E. Diener
President, Chili’s Grill & Bar
6820 LBJ Freeway
Dallas, TX 75240

July 21, 2008

Dear Admiral Asshat:

Jesus H. Sharkfucking Christ in a lunchbox.

What in the name of Nebuchadnezzar’s pisshole are you thinking? I fucking went to your fucking restaurant on fucking Saturday for the only fucking reason I ever fucking go there which is to have an Awesome fucking Blossom. I ordered it right after I ordered my drink. But it is fucking gone. It is not on the menu anymore. It has been banished to the realm of shadows.

Do you think I go to your soulless husk of a restaurant for your fajitas or tacos or quesedillas? No, I can get salmonella at Taco Bell for a third of the price. Do you think the El Presidente margarita is some kind of draw? No, you miserable taintlicker, it is not. The Presidente tastes like it’s already been pre-filtered through Cheech Marin’s kidneys.

Where is your fucking obnoxious ad campaign, announcing your insane decision, to save me the trouble of visiting your cookie-cutter establishment? You know, with the whole crew, and instead of singing the old jingle “Chiliiii’s – babyback ribs” you can sing “Chili’s – awesome blossom is gone” and the bass voice that says “barbeque sauce” can now say “go fuck yourself. ” People will get the drift, then.

And you know, the hostess even heard me talking about my craving while I waited for a table and she kept her mouth shut. I pray to Vishnu that she will burn in hell for her sin of omission.

Is this the result of the New York thing, requiring restaurants to show how many calories are in each item? Guess what! I know that the Awesome Blossom has 2700 Christ-humping calories. CALORIES ARE DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO DELICIOUSNESS. And even if I didn’t know the exact number, I am grown-up enough to realize that when you take something and slice it into its thinnest possible components and then CAKE EACH TINY PIECE IN FRIED GOODNESS, it is not a positive choice for a heart-healthy lifestyle. I CAN MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR MYSELF, YOU CRYPTOFASCIST MOUNTEBANK

I don’t want to eat at your shitty establishment every week. But God-damn-ass-crap-it, when I want an Awesome Blossom, I sure as shitballs should be able to get one.

Maybe this decision was not yours, personally, but you are the captain of this particular epicurean Titanic, so I fault you. And now that I think about it, I am going to follow-up and investigate whether you are involved in other recent wrongs I have suffered, viz., 1) the closing of the Burger King on North Ave., 2) the closing of Cactus (which by the way had better quesedillas) with nothing being built in its place 3) my Red Line stop has been closed on weekends for like a year now.

If you want to contact me I’ll be at fucking Outback Steakhouse eating Bloomin Onions because the fake Australians have retained, for the time being, a little bit more man-juice in their metaphoric scrotums than you and your fake Mexicans, or fake Arizonans, I can never really tell which you are supposed to be.

Warmest Regards,


cc: Barack Obama

Related: sign the unofficial petition to bring back the Blossom.
Sort of related throwback: my slightly less furious tirade against Burger King regarding the onion ring in the fries issue.


22 Responses to “a letter to chili’s”

  1. Mom in real life Says:

    I will be hiring you to write all of my complaint letters from now on.

  2. Kytti Says:

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS LETTER…. you said everything I was thinking and then some. I went tonight for the SOLE reason of having an awesome blossom…. when I asked the waitress WHY…. she just replied, “corporate decided to take it off” what kind of answer is that anyway? Screw them…. I’ll be at Outback with you.

  3. Big Time Fancy Says:


    But then I was suddenly and magically on my second fishbowl of margarita and was having difficulty saying the word “Aurora” so onions were not high on the list of priorities.

    Go to Outback, man. It’s way manlier than Chili’s.

  4. Angela Says:

    SO TRUE!!! I was in a Chili’s in Michigan a couple of weeks ago and ordered an Awesome Blossom without even opening the menu. And then they said there were no Blossoms? They have taken the Awesome out of Chili’s? Then they have successfully taken the ANGELA out of Chili’s as well!!! GAH! (To add insult to injury, they then served me a drink that was dark green and tasted of coconut shampoo.)

  5. deutlich Says:

    PLEASE tell me you actually sent this.

  6. Maxie Says:

    Um this letter was seriously amazing. Did you really write “christ-humping”? You are my hero.

  7. Kayleigh Says:

    This is now my favorite thing you’ve ever written. You know things are going downhill when you have to pause and actually THINK about where you can find an Awesome Blossom. I thought this was America. Perhaps I’ve been mistaken.

    You had me at Jesus H. Sharkfucking Christ in a lunchbox. Send it.

  8. allthewine Says:

    Barack Obama will solve this, but he will make you go to the gym.

  9. Damsel in Digress Says:

    i was with him when this happened. after our waiter apologized, pete threw a hissy fit. honestly, i’ve never heard a quesadilla ordered with such bitterness.

  10. Jessica Says:

    Wow. I found your blog through Jenn’s and I think my co-workers are staring at me because I was laughing so hard. I used to work at Chili’s they blow. Who steals a bloomin’ onion off the menu? that’s like stealing ice cube trays.

  11. Pete Says:

    BTF – Outback may be manlier but it is also more out-by-O’Hare-ier. Chili’s was right the fuck in the middle of River North. I say was because it is dead to me.

    Deutlich and Maxie – Sadly I cannot actually send this under my real name. But it’s an open letter for the world to see. Maybe Todd will google himself in the near future.

    Damsel is pretty much correct, I would describe it more as mournful pouting with occasional profane outbursts than a hissy fit. Or I guess that’s what a hissy-fit is.

    Jessica – What you meant to say is that you have been religiously following my blog since the Chicago blogger meet-up when you met me IRL. I was not aware however that you probably work 2 floors above me, relating to the public. WordPress is informative.

  12. d Says:

    totally epic. i’m a bit soul-crushed though, as i believe i’m about to work right across from a chili’s and i was kinda excited about the idea of a blossom and fifteen beers on friday afternoons.

  13. Dan Mega Says:

    How dare they! This letter was warranted.

  14. they are hot on my trail « the situation has deteriorated Says:

    […] the situation has deteriorated « a letter to chili’s […]

  15. Princess Hippopotamus Says:

    This makes me want to move to Chicago

  16. alexa Says:

    oh my god. i love this.

  17. Dear PRESIDENT ELECT Obama « the situation has deteriorated Says:

    […] an admittedly more thorough Lego Exo-Force diorama when THIS blogger has reached out to you on the still outstanding issue of the missing awesome blossom? You were clearly CCed on my letter to the chief asshat at Chili’s. And just because I […]

  18. Digatalas Says:

    Haha i laughed so hard my chair tilted and i fell in the floor lol I love this letter but hate that they took it off the menus too. I haven’t been back since they too kit off…

  19. Matt B Says:

    This letter warmed my heart

  20. You laugh you lose! - Page 1050 - Grasscity.com Forums Says:

    […] […]

  21. Truegreen Says:

    Great blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere?
    A design like yours with a few simple adjustements would really make my blog stand out.
    Please let me know where you got your design.
    Thank you

  22. Drice Says:

    It looks like it has been about 8 years since I have been to Chili’s because I came here today for Father’s Day on a whim specifically for an Awesome Blossom and the waitress had not even heard of it.
    Thanks for this letter. I guess this will be my final voluntary trip to Chili’s.

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