the broken hand post

If you are ever playing a soccer game, and defending a corner kick, and your goalie yells “back post” and you are not covering somebody, please get your ass on the back post. This way, you prevent a guy from crashing the back door and zipping the ball past your goalkeeper at point-blank range.

It’s very frustrating for a keeper.

Frustrating enough for him to punch the goalpost. Hard. Which is why my hand is in a cast today.

Fifth metacarpal is broken. It is what is called a boxer’s fracture. There was no bullshitting the doctor. I said something to the effect of “I was playing goal and my hand hit the goalpost.” He looked at me and said “OK, it hit the goalpost or YOU hit the goalpost.” The orderly who was nearby related how he got his boxer’s fracture by punching a couch. This made me feel like less of an idiot.

I have some hydrocodone but am reluctant to take it at work. If I do I will report on wacky side-effects.

Couple of things I am already sick of:

  • “Well you shouldn’t have done that!”
  • “I thought you played soccer with your feet!”
  • “The goalpost will usually win that one!”

If you are feeling particularly funny and purposely tell me one of these things, in person or in the comments, I am seriously going to tubgirl you.

On a completely unrelated note, I was searching for video of Bela Karolyi watching the all-around and cheering for the US while he was “off-air” – couldn’t find the original but found the same bit with the all-around video replaced with video of turtles humping, which is surprisingly SFW and so, so, so much more hilarious.

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12 Responses to “the broken hand post”

  1. Kayleigh Says:

    I hate when people make stupid comments. You should make up a completely ridiculous story as to why your hand is now broken. One that will leave people baffled/speechless.

    I vote that you pop some pills at work. Hey, might make a Monday relatively fun.

  2. Beau Says:

    TIme to play goalie in boxing gloves.

  3. Jessica Says:

    Ouch that hand issue sounds painful. I like how the doctor called you out, even though he shouldn’t have worried about it that much. Just f*cking fix it. The video with Bella and the humping turtles is hilarious. Any cute nurses?

  4. Big Time Fancy Says:

    On the plus side, you are now totally entitled to take a day off work to recover (read: learn how to wipe your ass with your other hand).

    Oh was that uncouth? My bad.
    (If it was REALLY uncouth, I’ll buy you a beer and you can cry into it or something.)

  5. Pete Says:

    Jessica – The cute nurse was helping the 60 year old dude with the .30 BAC. I got the fat gay male nurse.

    BTF- Asswiping is probably the toughest adjustment. Playing ps3 is also very hard. BTW I broke my hand at 1, went to work for a meeting at 4, and went to the hospital at 6. So not a lot of time off for me I think.

  6. Big Time Fancy Says:

    I know. WAY back in the day, I broke my wrist and the FIRST thing my mom said to me after we got back home was, “So you had better practice wiping your ass with your other hand, huh?” COMPASSION!

  7. Dan Mega Says:

    Oh man, I remember when I broke my hand the first time in early 2007. Everyone asked “how did it happen” over and over again. My level of frustrating led me to making up some crazy stories about fighting crime and my fist broke the sound barrier, leading it to breakage.

  8. freeandflawed Says:

    People need to think before they make stupid comments regarding the following:

    Broken bones.
    Sunburns.
    A new hair color.
    Life.

  9. assclown Says:

    why not just say that your broken hand is the result of a tragic masturbation injury. i’m willing to bet there would be no follow-up questions.

  10. Angela Says:

    1. That guy from TnT who broke his hand said it was a minor break, but still had his cast on for like a month. May you heal more quickly than that.

    2. Is it your dominant hand? I assumed it was, but then I realized that you didn’t actually say.

    3. The Discovery Channel should hire that man.

  11. Matt Says:

    As a fellow goalkeeper, I sympahtsize with your plight. People need to listen and tremble at your every word. I am writing you while looking at the hydrocodone bottle that I was recently given by my friendly neighborhood doctor after knee surgery, which another soccer associated injury, but I was playing in the field at the time. (Funny footnote, to the ER visit on the night of the incident; the woman in the ER opposite me was complaining of tightness in her knee due to her use of the Wii Fitness program, but admitted that she was relatively slothlike until recently and that subsequent to her stopping, the tightness has decreased. She thought this nevertheless necessitated a trip to the ER.) I was afraid that I would enjoy the controlled substance a bit too much, but it was really helpfull. No addiction and I don’t feel like Captain Dan from Forrest Gump or anything. But I have been stuck at home for two weeks so I am bordering on insanity. But anyways, pop your pills with impunity.

  12. Bryan Says:

    As another fellow goalkeeper with a boxer’s fracture, I feel your pain — except I really (no, really) didn’t punch anything. I was diving forward for a ball in indoor, a guy tried to kick it, and he made contact with the knuckle / top of my hand instead.

    So far it’s been four weeks out of action, but the cast is now off and it’s starting to feel better. So how long until you got back to playing in goal? Any problems coming back?

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