bill roentgen appreciation day

Went to the hand doc today who took x-rays and it looks like I won’t need a pin. I am now in something they called a clamdigger cast, which is great, because nobody digs clams like I do. The only bad thing about this cast is it will not get through my suit coat sleeve, so I have to go to depositions with one sleeve on and the other side draped over me like I am a crippled soldier or fucking James Brown doing the cape routine.

Before that I was at a new dentist. They also took x-rays (of my teeth). I have not been for two years. That is because my last dentist was a eastern European stone cold bitch who made me feel like a periodontal Pol Pot because of the bad shape my gums were in. She told me i had ACUTE NECROTIZING ULCERATIVE GINIVITIS which had led to bone loss and scared the living fuck out of me. When I told my new dentist that he laughed. “You’ve never had it. You would have had pus coming out of your mouth and your breath would smell a mile away. In 7 years at this location I’ve never seen a case of it. That’s ridiculous. Your gums are the same as 9 out of 10 people out there.” So I have some mild gingivitis but they gave me some chlorhexidine mouthwash to take care of it.

I am so pissed at that former dentist, and my wrath is threefold:

  • I do not like being lied to,
  • I missed a week of drinking because I was on unnecessary antibiotics including metronidazole which will KILL YOU IF YOU HAVE ONE SIP OF BEER while on it. Allegedly.
  • My dramatic blog post about that dentist visit, from my last blog, which I thought was very clever, is now completely vitiated. However I reproduce it here, in the hopes that somebody will finally enjoy my Phil Niekro joke:
Cheerful Update
Went to the dentist, finally. I have what’s known, colloquially, as “trench mouth,” which is not to be confused with “gutter mouth,” with which I am also afflicted. Any kind of excavation-mouth, I have it.

Trench mouth sounds better, to me, than “acute necrotizing gingivitis” which is what the dentist called it.* Apparently the condition is caused by stress. Severe stress. The kind of stress you might experience if you were sitting in a trench in WWI and shells were exploding and limbs were falling off and your buddies were rotting in the mud next to you, hence the name.

I’m trying to figure out where this particular stress in my life came from. People who know me know I worry about just about everything but really the worrying has been better than it used to be. I’ve had this gum problem for months now. I must have been more stressed in Virginia than I thought, even though I didn’t basically do anything for the whole time I was there. Including brushing my teeth properly, I guess. I don’t know. Is a general malaise = stress?

The best part is, it’s the first time in a while where I’ve already booked myself two social events in one weekend, and I can’t drink because I’m on antibiotics.

*Not to be confused with “acute niekrotizing gingivitis,” in which you start to develop knuckles on your gums.

So then the third big thing today was the first of my two fantasy football drafts. This year I did something different, which is, actually prepare for the draft. Usually I just sort of have a loose list in my head based on faulty memories of last season and watching Bears preseason games. Not this year. This time around I cooked up a massive spreadsheet that calculated both the 2007 actual player value based on my fantasy league’s scoring, and the projected 2008 value based on professional predictions. I then took the 2007 value, and ran a sort of ghetto mean regression based on the values found on this site.

I didn’t stick to it rigorously, because of issues like bye weeks, subsequent trades, intuition, contrary conventional wisdom and naturally the latest injury reports, which of course once again involve x-rays, and thus I have my theme for this post.

This was a keeper league where you could keep up to 4 players but I only kept 2 due to some fucktarded trades at the end of last year, including Jamal Lewis for Vince Young, which as you can see, I remedied:

The keepers were Westbrook and Hoshamazoli. I am feeling optimistic about Witten, who I had, in my spreadsheet, as ranked even above Gates, Kellen Winslow, and Tony Gonzalez (who went surprisingly low). I would have liked to have gotten Rashard Mendenhall but I am happy about Rice. Anyway. The other league is 14 teams which is much deeper than I’m used to; that draft is next week.

EDIT: For the first time ever I have drafted a team with NO BEARS on it. This was on purpose.

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9 Responses to “bill roentgen appreciation day”

  1. Turd Ferguson Says:

    I sincerely hope you didn’t skip out on trivia because of your fantasy draft

  2. Beau Says:

    Brett Favre?????

    I always knew you loved him.

  3. d Says:

    i’m staying away from bengals this year, but that’s a solid team. i may take a shot at getting witten too.

  4. Pete Says:

    I am trying to deal TJHzodirae8 or possibly Palmer just for diversification purposes.

  5. Angela Says:

    Okay, so something has been completely wrong with my gums since I got down to Florida. One of my blog readers commented that it might be trench mouth, and I went on a mental flip-out session, as I often do. I was in so much pain that I actually stopped eating solid foods for a few days (and lost some weight as a result… which may not have been a bad thing). I’m back to real food now, but my gums still hurt. Can’t figure it out. As I’ve told you before, I have excellent dental hygiene. I feel like I’m teething or something over here. Not fun.

    I’d go to the dentist, but my insurance is switching over on the first of the month. I figure I’ll just wait, so that I won’t have to find a dentist that’s in both of my networks. In the meantime, cross your fingers that none of my teeth fall out.

  6. assclown Says:

    I thought Steve Smith got suspended for a couple of games punching a teammate at practice? Am I wrong about that or did you pick him despite the suspension?

  7. Mattt Says:

    You should get a bespoke suit with sleeve buttons that actually work — would solve the problem. Got 2000 bucks to waste?

  8. Jessica Says:

    Well there’s a lot to comment on here. I’m glad you don’t have gingivitis although missing a week of drinking sucks. F*cking dentists. I blame my old one for my root canal – straight up.

    Glad you don’t need a pin in the hand but be sure not to pull your Clark Kent/Superman routine in public too much. Don’t want to give that away.

  9. Lola Says:

    I don’t know which terrifies me more, the fact that you actually did a regression on your fantasy football team (for fun!?!?) or the fact that your former dentist tried to prescribe you a known carcinogen and scare you with the synergistic alcohol pharmacology (it will make you feel like you have an awful hangover after only a few beers, as for death, maybe if you’re a hamster) as opposed to the much more likely side effects (vs. death) of seizures and neuropathy/partial paralysis. If you’re going to kill neurons, by all means, drink up and enjoy.
    There’s something else I’d love to comment on, but I’ll leave it at that.

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