Archive for the ‘cats’ Category

egg-haters, mount up

February 21, 2008

I’ve never been a fan of eggs. I’m not really certain why. I like to say it’s because eating eggs is like eating an abortion, but I mostly just say that for shock value. Whether they are hard-boiled, fried, scrambled, or whatever, I have always found eggs to be disconcerting.

It’s not limited to poultry eggs either. I’m relatively new to sushi and I do not like the radioactive-colored things they stick on all my rolls. I also don’t like that there’s a million names for this stuff. They need a million names for it so they can trick you into eating it. “I am avoiding eggs, roe, and caviar,” you say to yourself. “I’ll just get this roll with tobiko on it.” Which for some reason I confused with daikon radish. I am not particularly cultured.

I would imagine that a good part of my aversion to fish eggs comes from a fun day in junior high science class. The task was cutting up a fish and identifying all its various fish parts. (As an aside, I don’t really understand the point of dissection. The fish was particularly useless, but a few years later I cut up a cat and I can’t think of any insights into mammalian anatomy that I couldn’t have gotten out of a book except for the following 1) i know what a colon full of catshit feels like 2) DO NOT CUT OPEN A COLON FULL OF CATSHIT 3) cats have cholesterol too and 4) formaldehyde smells awful) Anyway. The fish was hard as a rock of course, having been soaked in formaldehyde since the 50s, and all we had to equip ourselves with was a scalpel blade the size of a Chiclet. Eventually my partner Paul (my jamaican friend who wasn’t allowed at my house notbecausehe’sblackbutbecauseithinkhisfamilyisinvolvedinsomethingshady, thanks mom) jabbed the blade in there and just ripped the belly open, only to find that this was in fact a would-be mama fish, and her bright yellow fish eggs sprang forth as though they were Athena springing from Zeus’ head, if Athena was tiny and yellow and just thoroughly disgusting, and instead of one of her, there were millions. The stuff got all over Paul, and a lot of it on me too. The best part was trying to identify the organs after this. To borrow something from a pop song I heard once, they were all yellow.


Here is the inspiration from tonights post, when I thought a simple california roll would be devoid of fish eggs, but was wrong. Thanks for nothing, Bistro Pacific. (Don’t worry this was not my entire order). Btw I ordered from Bistro Pacific because it’s the only sushi place on CEO Deliveries and I’m too lazy to actually pick up the phone. And to be honest I’m not that big a fan of sushi. It’s just that I am headed for an early grave if I keep eating cheeseburgers and chicken parm as often as I do.