Archive for the ‘chicago cubs’ Category

take me out to the honkbalveld (your guide to dutch baseball terms)

March 11, 2009

If you’re watching the World Baseball Classic you are aware that the plucky Netherlands has pulled off the upset of the year by knocking off the Dominican Republic not once but twice to eliminate the perennial powerhouse, if I may use the term perennial for the second ever WBC.

I wondered what the Dutch papers thought about this, so I surfed over to De Telegraaf, an Amsterdam newspaper. I have long sympathized with Dutch sports ever since they fielded a World Cup soccer team full of names like Wim Jonk and Jaap Stam in the 90s, which names were even more fun to hear pronounced by the Spanish-language commentators because in those days not all games were available in English.


So I had to scroll way the hell down the page to find any mention of the story but I am eternally grateful that I did. This was the headline.


You have got to be fucking kidding me. This is too good to be true. The Dutch word for baseball is HONKBALL? HONKBALL? Techinally turns out it is honkbal, one L, but nuts to that.

I wanted to confirm that this wasn’t just some sort of folksy nickname for the Dutch team so I checked out Wikipedia in Dutch (de vrije encyclopedie) and sure enough, honkball. The article was surprisingly easy to semi-translate based on context clues and pretending that it was written by this guy:


My first discovery after HONKBALL was the Dutch word for HITTER, which is SLAGMAN. This is particularly great if you are familiar with the British sense of “slag.” The slagman uses his mighty KNUPPEL. Did you know that in Holland, honkballknuppels zijn van hout of een harde soort lichtmetaal, aluminum? Now you do.

I learned about various locations in the ballpark, like third base which is DERDE HONK, as in I would like to get to derde honk with Rebecca Romijn.

Pitchers are WERPERS. They are always trying to hit the SLAGZONE which as you know is directly over THUISPLAAT between KNIE- and ELLEBOOGHOOGTE.

I am pretty sure my favorite word is one I got from the original article about the game. That word is TWEEHONKSLAG which I am fairly positive means double.

While I’m in a honkball mood, here’s a video which I saw a while ago and then was removed but is now back. It’s about a famous derde honkman who kak in his broeken: George Brett would like to tell you about the time he shit himself.

As the year goes on, Cubs fans will want to keep an eye on the health of linksvelder Alfonso Soriano. Will Carlos Marmol keep werping well? Will Carlos Zambrano hit a grand slam, thus scoring all three honklopers? Only time will tell.

May de partij met de meeste punten wint. But then, they always do.


seals one through three

November 23, 2008

I am sitting here on a Sunday afternoon listening to Chinese Democracy. The president-elect is a half-black guy with Hussein in his name. Yesterday I rushed the field at a Northwestern game because we went 9-3 this year.

Thank god the Cubs still suck. If they had won the World Series this year, I’d have to check my BMs for simians.

blog clearinghouse

June 10, 2008

i have 16 draft posts that i haven’t completed. some of them eventually may turn into something, but most of them are dead ends. they are presented herein, with minimal editing and no transitions. on a dvd, this would be called bonus material. here it’s just shit.

[post #1 – untitled]

A girl I talked to Friday night told me I’m a hater. I started to disagree with her but given that on Thursday I changed my facebook status to “Pete is a hater” I felt mildly insincere in my argument.

Let’s embrace it. Here’s some things that I’m hating on currently.

Bob Howry – [ed.: at this point i passed out while searching for pictures evidencing my claim that Howry looks like the guy who played Frank Nitti in the Untouchables]

[post #2 – untitled]

I am sort of obsessed with the “List of Demands” song (“I got a list of demands, written on the palms of my hands.”) which is in this Nike ad now. It’s not so much that I like the song — I guess it’s fine — it’s just that I am generally anti-Nike (for no good reason) and I’ve really gotten into the “i got a list of X, written on the [subpart] of my [thing that rhymes with X]” meme. Today while dealing with privilege logs at work, for example, it was “I got a list of privileged docs, written on the toes of my socks.” This is the sort of thing I do to provide me some fleeting amusement as I pass the grimly hollow moments of my life until the pallid green hand of Death pulls me into the abyss. (I was this close to titling this post “I got a list of complaints, written on the base of my taint,” but in light of the Gravitas Initiative I held back.)

  • “If it is not broke, don’t fix it” is a phrase that somebody needs to pass along to the sloped-foreheads at Coca-Cola. The Coke people have recently implemented a new cap on their 20 oz products. It is smaller and not as ridged as the old one. My clumsy fingers slip and slide all over the damn thing.

[post #3 – jobs i think i might be good at]

2. antipope

[post #4 – untitled]

gold card.

And just to balance the vibe a little, here’s something I don’t hate: an Aronson Furniture commercial from the 80s. Here is what you need to know about Aronson Furniture:
1. It is was the home of the credit connection.
2. It hasd the catchiest jingle this side of Rockenbach Chevrolet, which will probably be featured soon on this blog.
Aronson went tits-up a couple of years ago – perhaps Aronson’s subprime furniture loan crisis triggered our current economic woes? We may never know.

I think I heard the Aronson jingle for the first time in the late 80s, on my way back from a Cub Scout meeting with my dad. It was probably on WBBM Newsradio 78, during a Blackhawks broadcast (not really news radio, are you, you lying scum). It has been stuck in my head for about 20 years.

[post #5 – untitled cubs post]

Every year there are a number of Storylines when it comes to the Cubs. Here are this year’s Storylines:

1. The first storyline isn’t specific to this year. Every year the #1 storyline is that the Cubs have not won a World Series in X-1908, where X is the current year on the Gregorian calendar. This storyline is particularly poignant this year, when performing the X-1908 calculation yields the number of fingers that non-mutant, non-table-saw-abusing humans have, multiplied by the number of toes such humans have. (This does not apply in Ethiopia, where it is only 2000, and accordingly I am telling my parents that I am not going to be a pre-med anymore. Political science? What is this political science? I would be more proud of you if you was prostitute than if you were in politics*).

2. Another important storyline is the arrival of Kosuke Fukudome. The most fun part of this storyline will be attending a game in mid-August with a girl who figures out that Fukudome looks kind of like “Fuck you dome” or, if she is gunning for the Nobel prize in literature, “Fuck you, do me” and thus catching up with what every man in Chicago figured out last December.

* verbatim quote. Mom actually busted out the English for this one.

earful of craptonite

May 21, 2008

I was listening to the Cubs/Astros game on the radio yesterday and I heard Pat Hughes say that the next guy up was Matt Suhey. I’m like, that’s crazy, Matt Suhey was the fullback for the greatest sports team of all time, the 1985-86 Chicago Bears.

It wasn’t until I was watching today’s game that I realized they were talking about Kaz Matsui. And it’s not like I don’t know that Kaz Matsui exists. I specifically remember an exchange from Monday’s game about how Matsui and Fukudome went to high school together.

This is not the first time I’ve heard something stupid like that. When I was much much younger, I would listen to sports reports on the radio and I would notice that Yukon was a very good basketball program. I don’t know how long it took me to realize that they were talking about Connecticut, aka UConn. And again, I knew that UConn was a basketball powerhouse, but there I was, thinking that a bunch of eskimos in the outlands of Canada were this unlikely college-hoops dynamo. I just couldn’t make the connection between the UConn I knew on paper and what I heard.

I’m going to posit that this is all because English is not my first language. More likely, I’m just a tard.

Am I alone here? Please tell me this happens to other people.

guide to wrigley field

May 2, 2008

Would you like to go to a baseball game in Chicago? Do you find the thought of visiting the South Side repulsive? Then this guide to Mars Wrigley Field is for you.

Bleachers – First things first – where do you want to sit? If you are feeling like you might want to get particularly sunburnt and particularly drunk, the bleachers are for you. The bleachers not only offer knowledgeable and enthusiastic fans, they also provide meaningful entertainment when the game is a little boring. For example, when the game is dull, if you are in the left field bleachers, it is customary to yell “Right Field sucks!” If you are in right field, do your best to brush off the stinging criticism, and turn the tables by chanting “Left Field sucks!” If you are sitting in center field, continue to lay low, as nobody has pointed out that center field sucks to date, even when Felix Pie is playing.

Beer – The traditional choice of Cub fans is Old Style. I’ve never really understood why Old Style is the official beer of the Chicago Cubs, as it is brewed in Milwaukee. I mean, come on, their team is called the MILWAUKEE BREWERS. Fortunately, you can sidestep this conflict of interest, as many beer guys also offer Budweiser products, which are brewed in St. Louis, where no major league teams exist.

Urinals – After you’ve rented enough Old Styles or Buds, you’ll eventually feel compelled to give them back. The traditional place to do that is on the wall of any apartment building in a three-block radius of the stadium, but if the game isn’t over yet, you will have to settle for the troughs. That’s right, Wrigley field features a lot of good old fashioned trough-style urinals – the kind that these folks are having so much fun with. Even these mass receptacles can’t prevent huge lines, though. One wonders if the troughs will someday give way to a simple grated floor that will sluice waste products away to Waveland Ave. That hydrant that’s always open in front of the fire station can wash the street down.

The men’s bathrooms may be bad – but don’t even get me started on the women’s troughs.

Scoreboard – The Wrigley scoreboard is manually operated by Tribune Co. employees who have been convicted of embezzlement. This punishment is severe. Changing the numbers in the brutal summer heat is bad enough, but at least there’s a ballgame to watch. Trust me, the guys in the scoreboard are BORED AS HECK all winter.

After games, a flag is raised over the scoreboard. It is either a W or an L. The “W” flag stands for “water” and dates back to the 1760s, when the War of 1812 was going on. The “water” flag meant that British Redcoats were coming to Chicago (then a major railyard) through the St. Lawrence seaway and the Great Lakes. This flag is still raised from time to time just to keep neighborhood residents on their toes. An “L” flag stands for “land” and is customarily flown whenever Kerry Wood has a save opportunity.

Ronnie Woo-Woo – Wrigley Field is a magical place. It is the only place where North Siders will voluntarily touch a whooping homeless man. Ronnie Woo-Woo likes to keep up a steady stream of encouraging banter, mostly along the lines of “Cubs, WOO! Cubs, WOO! Pinella, WOO! Cubs, WOO!” It is obnoxious as all hell. All Cubs fans think so. However, each Cubs fan thinks that all other Cubs fans cherish Ronnie Woo-Woo, and thus each Cubs fan refrains from speaking out lest he be branded a pariah. Clearly a product of the same groupthink mindset that allows Cubs fans to convince themselves that they have been watching a team with the capability to win the World Series, every year for the last century, when deep down, they know they are hosed from day one.

Seventh Inning Stretch – In the middle of the seventh-inning, a local has-been will lead the crowd in a song. This is done mostly to celebrate the memory of a beloved sportscaster, Harry Caray, who became more beloved with each successive stroke he suffered. He’d sing the seventh-inning stretch and then he’d go back to pronouncing Jeremi Gonzalez’s first name as “Jerem-EYE,” and giving birthday shout-outs to Cubs fans who were purportedly watching somewhere outside Peoria, but were more likely figments of Harry’s imagination. “Happy Birthday to Ethel and Stanley Smorgasbord from Decatur. Stanley’s turning 95 today and he met his wife when she tried to rustle a sow from his uncle’s pigpen! Lifelong Cubs fan.”

Anyway, the deal is, just sing along, and if you are from out of town, you substitute “Cubbies” for “home team.” If the Cubs are losing at the time of the stretch, the song is followed by an exhortation: “Let’s get some runs!”

If you’ve eaten enough food from Wrigley vendors, that won’t be a problem for you.

Actually the WGN guys singing a SECOND stretch, in the 15th inning of a game last year