Archive for the ‘chili’s’ Category


November 11, 2008

if that IS your real name.

I see that you are part of the blogocracy. The bloggerment. The esblogishment. I know this because you are firing off letters to 7-year old bloggers. And that’s fine, I mean, I’m not the kind of guy to wonder why you are reading about second-rate Hoth dioramas that feature neither wampas nor tauntauns while GM and Ford stock are about to become the latest additions to the McDonald’s Dollar Menu. We all need a break from work. Me, I am always surfing for scuttlebutt on that dreamy Chace Crawford! What lucky lady is going to land him???

All I want to know is, why are you reading about an admittedly more thorough Lego Exo-Force diorama when THIS blogger has reached out to you on the still outstanding issue of the missing awesome blossom? You were clearly CCed on my letter to the chief asshat at Chili’s. And just because I didn’t actually send the letter, that’s no excuse. You’ve got people crawling all over the internets so don’t play it like you haven’t seen it.

If contributing a cool grand to a presidential campaign doesn’t get me the kind of juice to have you reinstate, by Executive Order (or simply because You will it), the Chili’s Awesome Blossom, then frankly I’m not sure I even want to be part of your new Marxist America. I don’t know what kind of insane fried-onion sculptures they have at Spiaggia, but the rest of us are on a budget, sir.


Oprah Winfrey

BTW if the kid reads this, the Hoth diorama is actually pretty badass and clearly I’m just jealous.


they are hot on my trail

July 29, 2008

I used to joke about a conspiracy against me, but it is becoming very real.

To recap:

1. My favorite weekend hungover food is Burger King. I live about 4 blocks away from the one that was on North and Wells. They closed it and now I have to drive basically to Humboldt Park for a Whopper. It is now a Fifth/Third Bank which doesn’t even make sense. I am calling you Fifteenth Bank.

2. My favorite summer hangout was literally a block away from my house. It was Cactus. They served rumrunners. They were delicious and boozy. Cactus was closed to make way for a “boutique hotel.” The only construction that has gone on so far is to rip out every vestige of Cactus and its lamer but still-better-than-nothing cousin, Melvin B’s.

3. Goose Island totally changed their menu, removing such winners as the Bison Burger. Then they announced they are closing their location nearest to me.

4. Chili’s has discontinued the Awesome Blossom, and you may know my feelings about it.

And now:

As a simple substitute, I remembered that the Bennigan’s around the corner from my work has a popcorn shrimp appetizer that they serve with fried onion straws. I figured this would be a good way to fill the Awesome Blossom void. I ordered it once last week.

In today’s Tribune:

Bennigan’s closes restaurant at 225 N. Michigan

Jay Aitch Sharkeffin to the Cee.

p.s. I promise my next post will not be about food i miss.

a letter to chili’s

July 21, 2008

Situation Has Deteriorated Enterprises, Inc.
Department Of Major Fucking Grievances

Todd E. Diener
President, Chili’s Grill & Bar
6820 LBJ Freeway
Dallas, TX 75240

July 21, 2008

Dear Admiral Asshat:

Jesus H. Sharkfucking Christ in a lunchbox.

What in the name of Nebuchadnezzar’s pisshole are you thinking? I fucking went to your fucking restaurant on fucking Saturday for the only fucking reason I ever fucking go there which is to have an Awesome fucking Blossom. I ordered it right after I ordered my drink. But it is fucking gone. It is not on the menu anymore. It has been banished to the realm of shadows.

Do you think I go to your soulless husk of a restaurant for your fajitas or tacos or quesedillas? No, I can get salmonella at Taco Bell for a third of the price. Do you think the El Presidente margarita is some kind of draw? No, you miserable taintlicker, it is not. The Presidente tastes like it’s already been pre-filtered through Cheech Marin’s kidneys.

Where is your fucking obnoxious ad campaign, announcing your insane decision, to save me the trouble of visiting your cookie-cutter establishment? You know, with the whole crew, and instead of singing the old jingle “Chiliiii’s – babyback ribs” you can sing “Chili’s – awesome blossom is gone” and the bass voice that says “barbeque sauce” can now say “go fuck yourself. ” People will get the drift, then.

And you know, the hostess even heard me talking about my craving while I waited for a table and she kept her mouth shut. I pray to Vishnu that she will burn in hell for her sin of omission.

Is this the result of the New York thing, requiring restaurants to show how many calories are in each item? Guess what! I know that the Awesome Blossom has 2700 Christ-humping calories. CALORIES ARE DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO DELICIOUSNESS. And even if I didn’t know the exact number, I am grown-up enough to realize that when you take something and slice it into its thinnest possible components and then CAKE EACH TINY PIECE IN FRIED GOODNESS, it is not a positive choice for a heart-healthy lifestyle. I CAN MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR MYSELF, YOU CRYPTOFASCIST MOUNTEBANK

I don’t want to eat at your shitty establishment every week. But God-damn-ass-crap-it, when I want an Awesome Blossom, I sure as shitballs should be able to get one.

Maybe this decision was not yours, personally, but you are the captain of this particular epicurean Titanic, so I fault you. And now that I think about it, I am going to follow-up and investigate whether you are involved in other recent wrongs I have suffered, viz., 1) the closing of the Burger King on North Ave., 2) the closing of Cactus (which by the way had better quesedillas) with nothing being built in its place 3) my Red Line stop has been closed on weekends for like a year now.

If you want to contact me I’ll be at fucking Outback Steakhouse eating Bloomin Onions because the fake Australians have retained, for the time being, a little bit more man-juice in their metaphoric scrotums than you and your fake Mexicans, or fake Arizonans, I can never really tell which you are supposed to be.

Warmest Regards,


cc: Barack Obama

Related: sign the unofficial petition to bring back the Blossom.
Sort of related throwback: my slightly less furious tirade against Burger King regarding the onion ring in the fries issue.