Archive for the ‘complaints’ Category

well, the honeymoon is over (wherein I strike fear into the hearts of chicago bloggers)

November 13, 2008

Awesome blossom complaints notwithstanding, my honeymoon with Obama is sort of over. I think he’s whiffing on his first big policy position, the proposed bailout for auto makers.

I own a Nissan Altima. I like it. It’s a good car.

I did not want to invest $20k of my money in a Chevy Malibu. Don’t invest $50B of our money in GM. Bankruptcy court exists for this purpose – most notably, it would give carmakers the ability to readjust their labor contracts which are some of the sweetest deals you could ever imagine (for unions anyway). Reorganize your business model in the courts and re-emerge, I don’t know, with a chance at profitability, with a chance at making competitive vehicles.

I understand that a shitton of jobs are tied to the auto industry, but a) bankruptcy court doesn’t mean liquidiation necessarily, it means reorganization and b) it’s not like demand for cars will disappear – if one automaker did liquidate, their market share would get tossed on to remaining automakers. Am I anti-union? Not really, unions are critically important to make sure workers don’t get taken advantage of. And as some union members have said to me (not auto unions) – unions deserve the best deal they can negotiate. That’s fine – as long as you stand by that when the deal you negotiated is shortsighted enough to bring your company down. (This is sort of unfair, GM and Ford have many more problems than just labor unions, but it’s a start).

Anyway. Job losses in Detroit are one thing, but job losses in Chicago are…the thing that is going to happen between now and the end of the year, and the thing that most readers of this blog are most concerned about. (see CEOs Tell Mayor Daley They Plan Huge Layoffs In November, December). If you get laid off, ask why your company isn’t important enough, or mismanaged enough, to get government help.



November 11, 2008

if that IS your real name.

I see that you are part of the blogocracy. The bloggerment. The esblogishment. I know this because you are firing off letters to 7-year old bloggers. And that’s fine, I mean, I’m not the kind of guy to wonder why you are reading about second-rate Hoth dioramas that feature neither wampas nor tauntauns while GM and Ford stock are about to become the latest additions to the McDonald’s Dollar Menu. We all need a break from work. Me, I am always surfing for scuttlebutt on that dreamy Chace Crawford! What lucky lady is going to land him???

All I want to know is, why are you reading about an admittedly more thorough Lego Exo-Force diorama when THIS blogger has reached out to you on the still outstanding issue of the missing awesome blossom? You were clearly CCed on my letter to the chief asshat at Chili’s. And just because I didn’t actually send the letter, that’s no excuse. You’ve got people crawling all over the internets so don’t play it like you haven’t seen it.

If contributing a cool grand to a presidential campaign doesn’t get me the kind of juice to have you reinstate, by Executive Order (or simply because You will it), the Chili’s Awesome Blossom, then frankly I’m not sure I even want to be part of your new Marxist America. I don’t know what kind of insane fried-onion sculptures they have at Spiaggia, but the rest of us are on a budget, sir.


Oprah Winfrey

BTW if the kid reads this, the Hoth diorama is actually pretty badass and clearly I’m just jealous.

do not be fooled for a second.

September 5, 2008

Do not let McCain convince you that he is trying to get away from the GOP establishment. His first opportunity to prove he wanted to bring change to Washington. Instead, he picked Sarah Palin, who is not a “pitbull in lipstick” so much as she is “George Bush in drag.” This is a candidate who:

  • supports a near total ban on abortions. Please note also that the GOP platform now officially seeks a constitutional amendment banning abortion. We’re not talking about overturning Roe v. Wade (something even McCain used to be opposed to) and making it a state-by-state issue. That means no abortions in Chicago and New York (where all the tastiest abortions are served in the finest restaurants) (what?).
  • would like to know how to go about banning books.
  • has no qualms about putting politics above qualifications within her administration. The librarian who resisted the book-banning was fired, as was a state trooper who was getting divorced from Palin’s sister.
  • sued the Bush administration for being too environmentally friendly. Say that last sentence a few times and try not to have a stroke.
  • is — after tens of thousands of human history, from Archimedes to Galileo to Newton to Einstein — not keen on science: not evolution, not global warming
  • supports things because they are God’s will: like oil pipelines and the Iraq war.
Putting aside the fact that she could get swept into power if McCain dies, putting aside the experience and other more lurid scandals, her choice shows that McCain either has no clue how to bring about change in DC, is unwilling to do so, or is susceptible to the pressure of the GOP in making his decisions. Enough.
I have donated more money to Obama since the Palin speech. I ask you to do the same.
[i will post more links re palin when i have time]


September 4, 2008

Here is my other fantasy team, from the 14-team, 18-round draft with no time limit between turns. Yes you had to carry two kickers and two Ds.

At some point I will write about why the choice of Sarah Palin, who will ride the John McCain trojan horse to the presidency, is making me feel sick to my stomach, but for now, I will just complain about this. I was getting sniped all night. My receiving corps is older than John McCain.

benchwarming for jesus

August 1, 2008

I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t happen to go to Sunday games, or because I generally didn’t have bleacher seats and thus wouldn’t show up early, but it took me until this year to notice that at Sunday games since 9/11, the PA guy at Wrigley will ask you to stand not only for the national anthem, but also for God Bless America.

Regular readers of my blog can probably tell how I feel about that.

For new readers, let me say that I don’t like the progression:

World where we don’t sing God Bless America

Terrorist Attack

“Please stand for God Bless America”

I don’t see how that’s a logical progession. God Bless America is not, to my knowledge, the national anthem. Please note that I am not against the playing of God Bless America in general. You are entitled to sing the song, you are entitled to hope that God does in fact bless America, you are entitled to hope that God damns America, or you can just hum along with the smug knowledge that even if God existed, he would be too busy using His powers to watch Rachel McAdams undress to bless any particular sovereign nation or autonomous territory.

Long sentence. Sorry.

So my objection is that I am asked to stand for God Bless America, which is immediately followed by the Star-Spangled Banner. So I don’t do it, although I am pretty sure I am the only person in the ballpark who doesn’t. I sit through God Bless America and I stand for the national anthem. I suppose if you are a real die-hard asshole, you can protest W, the military-industrial complex, the war in Iraq, etc., and not stand for the national anthem either. But I’m not that big an asshole, and for all its problems, I love my country and the principles it stands for, which are symbolized by the flag that the anthem celebrates, so I stand.

Those principles, by the way, include those embodied in the Constitution, which prohibits laws establishing a religion. So this Sunday, when I’m back at Wrigley, I’ll be sitting again during God Bless America, because it’s not my anthem, and to my ears is completely meaningless, and nobody can tell me to stand.

Shalom, bitches.

they are hot on my trail

July 29, 2008

I used to joke about a conspiracy against me, but it is becoming very real.

To recap:

1. My favorite weekend hungover food is Burger King. I live about 4 blocks away from the one that was on North and Wells. They closed it and now I have to drive basically to Humboldt Park for a Whopper. It is now a Fifth/Third Bank which doesn’t even make sense. I am calling you Fifteenth Bank.

2. My favorite summer hangout was literally a block away from my house. It was Cactus. They served rumrunners. They were delicious and boozy. Cactus was closed to make way for a “boutique hotel.” The only construction that has gone on so far is to rip out every vestige of Cactus and its lamer but still-better-than-nothing cousin, Melvin B’s.

3. Goose Island totally changed their menu, removing such winners as the Bison Burger. Then they announced they are closing their location nearest to me.

4. Chili’s has discontinued the Awesome Blossom, and you may know my feelings about it.

And now:

As a simple substitute, I remembered that the Bennigan’s around the corner from my work has a popcorn shrimp appetizer that they serve with fried onion straws. I figured this would be a good way to fill the Awesome Blossom void. I ordered it once last week.

In today’s Tribune:

Bennigan’s closes restaurant at 225 N. Michigan

Jay Aitch Sharkeffin to the Cee.

p.s. I promise my next post will not be about food i miss.

a letter to chili’s

July 21, 2008

Situation Has Deteriorated Enterprises, Inc.
Department Of Major Fucking Grievances

Todd E. Diener
President, Chili’s Grill & Bar
6820 LBJ Freeway
Dallas, TX 75240

July 21, 2008

Dear Admiral Asshat:

Jesus H. Sharkfucking Christ in a lunchbox.

What in the name of Nebuchadnezzar’s pisshole are you thinking? I fucking went to your fucking restaurant on fucking Saturday for the only fucking reason I ever fucking go there which is to have an Awesome fucking Blossom. I ordered it right after I ordered my drink. But it is fucking gone. It is not on the menu anymore. It has been banished to the realm of shadows.

Do you think I go to your soulless husk of a restaurant for your fajitas or tacos or quesedillas? No, I can get salmonella at Taco Bell for a third of the price. Do you think the El Presidente margarita is some kind of draw? No, you miserable taintlicker, it is not. The Presidente tastes like it’s already been pre-filtered through Cheech Marin’s kidneys.

Where is your fucking obnoxious ad campaign, announcing your insane decision, to save me the trouble of visiting your cookie-cutter establishment? You know, with the whole crew, and instead of singing the old jingle “Chiliiii’s – babyback ribs” you can sing “Chili’s – awesome blossom is gone” and the bass voice that says “barbeque sauce” can now say “go fuck yourself. ” People will get the drift, then.

And you know, the hostess even heard me talking about my craving while I waited for a table and she kept her mouth shut. I pray to Vishnu that she will burn in hell for her sin of omission.

Is this the result of the New York thing, requiring restaurants to show how many calories are in each item? Guess what! I know that the Awesome Blossom has 2700 Christ-humping calories. CALORIES ARE DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO DELICIOUSNESS. And even if I didn’t know the exact number, I am grown-up enough to realize that when you take something and slice it into its thinnest possible components and then CAKE EACH TINY PIECE IN FRIED GOODNESS, it is not a positive choice for a heart-healthy lifestyle. I CAN MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR MYSELF, YOU CRYPTOFASCIST MOUNTEBANK

I don’t want to eat at your shitty establishment every week. But God-damn-ass-crap-it, when I want an Awesome Blossom, I sure as shitballs should be able to get one.

Maybe this decision was not yours, personally, but you are the captain of this particular epicurean Titanic, so I fault you. And now that I think about it, I am going to follow-up and investigate whether you are involved in other recent wrongs I have suffered, viz., 1) the closing of the Burger King on North Ave., 2) the closing of Cactus (which by the way had better quesedillas) with nothing being built in its place 3) my Red Line stop has been closed on weekends for like a year now.

If you want to contact me I’ll be at fucking Outback Steakhouse eating Bloomin Onions because the fake Australians have retained, for the time being, a little bit more man-juice in their metaphoric scrotums than you and your fake Mexicans, or fake Arizonans, I can never really tell which you are supposed to be.

Warmest Regards,


cc: Barack Obama

Related: sign the unofficial petition to bring back the Blossom.
Sort of related throwback: my slightly less furious tirade against Burger King regarding the onion ring in the fries issue.


sammich in love

July 8, 2008

Some people miss lost loves; some people miss dead pets. I miss sandwiches.

A lot of things happened in Vegas over the weekend, but the thing I keep thinking about the most is the caesar salad sandwich I had at the food court at Caesar’s (of course) Palace. The bun alone was worth the trip. I lament the lack of a similar bun option at my current lunch locations. I don’t even know what the heck you CALL that kind of bun so I could look for it.

Thinking about that sandwich  made me think about another sandwich I used to get in St. Louis – and this one, I’ll never have again because apparently the place is closed. I can’t even remember the name of the place. Maybe it had an X in it? or a Z? Anyway they had this delicious garlicy-cheesy-beefy monster of a sandwich and it was delicious.

RIP, good sandwich.

Meanwhile I’m stuck with either shitty Jimmy John’s, even shittier and overpriced Sopraffina, and the crappy cafe in the lobby. Life is so unfair.

egg-haters, mount up

February 21, 2008

I’ve never been a fan of eggs. I’m not really certain why. I like to say it’s because eating eggs is like eating an abortion, but I mostly just say that for shock value. Whether they are hard-boiled, fried, scrambled, or whatever, I have always found eggs to be disconcerting.

It’s not limited to poultry eggs either. I’m relatively new to sushi and I do not like the radioactive-colored things they stick on all my rolls. I also don’t like that there’s a million names for this stuff. They need a million names for it so they can trick you into eating it. “I am avoiding eggs, roe, and caviar,” you say to yourself. “I’ll just get this roll with tobiko on it.” Which for some reason I confused with daikon radish. I am not particularly cultured.

I would imagine that a good part of my aversion to fish eggs comes from a fun day in junior high science class. The task was cutting up a fish and identifying all its various fish parts. (As an aside, I don’t really understand the point of dissection. The fish was particularly useless, but a few years later I cut up a cat and I can’t think of any insights into mammalian anatomy that I couldn’t have gotten out of a book except for the following 1) i know what a colon full of catshit feels like 2) DO NOT CUT OPEN A COLON FULL OF CATSHIT 3) cats have cholesterol too and 4) formaldehyde smells awful) Anyway. The fish was hard as a rock of course, having been soaked in formaldehyde since the 50s, and all we had to equip ourselves with was a scalpel blade the size of a Chiclet. Eventually my partner Paul (my jamaican friend who wasn’t allowed at my house notbecausehe’sblackbutbecauseithinkhisfamilyisinvolvedinsomethingshady, thanks mom) jabbed the blade in there and just ripped the belly open, only to find that this was in fact a would-be mama fish, and her bright yellow fish eggs sprang forth as though they were Athena springing from Zeus’ head, if Athena was tiny and yellow and just thoroughly disgusting, and instead of one of her, there were millions. The stuff got all over Paul, and a lot of it on me too. The best part was trying to identify the organs after this. To borrow something from a pop song I heard once, they were all yellow.


Here is the inspiration from tonights post, when I thought a simple california roll would be devoid of fish eggs, but was wrong. Thanks for nothing, Bistro Pacific. (Don’t worry this was not my entire order). Btw I ordered from Bistro Pacific because it’s the only sushi place on CEO Deliveries and I’m too lazy to actually pick up the phone. And to be honest I’m not that big a fan of sushi. It’s just that I am headed for an early grave if I keep eating cheeseburgers and chicken parm as often as I do.


February 20, 2008

I used to have a sub-blog solely for complaints. I’ve decided to consolidate my various blogs into a one-stop shop for all my various neuroses. Instead of porting the old complaints in one by one, I’m just going to slap some of them together in this thread. Update in response to my friends who were concerned about my blood pressure: These complaints were posted over the course of a year. I am not carrying around this much anger at any given moment.

  • Well, they finally did it. They fucking killed BK. The closest BK to me has now shut down. How is it that nobody can fucking operate a Burger King in this city. I passed 3 McDonald’s on the way. Now the nearest BK is like up in Wrigleyville. That’s the fucking end of me. BK is my god damn hangover comfort food. Now I can’t get it. FUCK FUCK. Maybe don’t operate a goddamn TACO FRESCO in the same building. Nobody wants Taco Fresco. Nobody knows what Taco Fresco is. Way to give make 50% of your franchise worth zero.
  • I never understood the phrase “Well-behaved women rarely make history.” Poorly-behaved women rarely make history also.
  • Insects are proof that either God does not exist, or that he exists and he hates us.
  • The reason Cingular has “the least dropped calls of any network” is because you cannot drop a call if you can’t get a goddamn signal in the first place. FUCK YOU CINGULAR IS THE NEW AT&T. Also on that note, I used to have AT&T Wireless, then Cingular bought it, then AT&T bought Cingular, and now it’s AT&T again. Is that some fucked up antitrust bullshit or what?
  • I hate people who look stupid. One just walked past me.
  • I don’t like the word “foodies.”
  • I never want to hear a sentence containing two or more of the following names: Charlie Weis, Tom Brady, Brady Quinn, Bill Belichick. Frankly I’d be fine not hearing any more sentences that contain ANY of the above.
  • I do not like shopping for clothes. It is hard enough to find a shirt I like, aesthetically speaking. Then when I actually find such a shirt, I try it on only to realize it is designed for fats. I am not a fat. I do not want to wear clothes that make it look like I am trying to conceal a gut when I have no gut.
  • I don’t like when I tune in for a Three’s Company episode and it’s with the Ropers instead of Mr. Furley. Fuck the Ropers.
  • You can’t get kiwi ice cream in this country.
  • Giving me large fries because my order took too long at McDonalds: GOOD. Neglecting to salt the fries: VERY FUCKING BAD YOU FUCKS.
  • I am very sweaty today in my suit because I am not 100% recovered from my fever yesterday. I feel like Bruce Pearl.
  • The walls between offices here are too thin. I can hear the partner next door on speakerphone all day. Also it keeps me from cranking my tunes on my sweet new iPod speakers. Iron Maiden was not meant to be consumed at less than 80 db.
  • I need new jeans, sneakers, black dress shoes, a suit, some work shirts, and probably socks, and I have neither the time nor the inclination to shop for them.
  • I have waited a long time to try squid. Now I have. I find it rubbery, then gooey, and generally flavorless.
  • Walking into a bathroom and seeing a bathroom attendant is like being sucker-punched in the kidney. Especially if you don’t have a single to throw at the guy. I’m not going to stand there and make change while men unzip their pants all around me. And when it’s a shitty bar (I’m looking at you, Joe’s on Weed St.) it’s all the more inexcusable.
  • I have pain under my right shoulder blade.
  • The Pizza Hut express I like to frequent has been out of Pepsi for a week and half. I have ordered Mountain Dew as a substitute both times, and both times I have immediately regretted not getting Sierra Mist instead.
  • In football, fullbacks should be called halfbacks and halfbacks should be called fullbacks. Quarter, half, full. Do the math.
  • The new Soft Scrub bottle design is faulty. The goo comes blorping out in oversized globs.
  • The people at Corner Bakery frequently forget to put croutons in my caesar salad. There are three fucking ingredients in caesar salad. Leaves, dressing, and croutons (maybe some cheese). How brain-dead are you to say, here is a complete caesar salad, even though it is just a pile of damp leaves without croutons.

An update: You can get kiwi gelato at the Venetian in Vegas, and it is delicious.