Archive for the ‘i am an idiot’ Category

thank you carlos quentin

September 12, 2008

for breaking your wrist in a fit of rage not unlike the one that resulted in my broken hand. Now instead of people telling me “you’re an idiot” they say “you’re like Carlos Quentin” which at least makes me feel not alone, and if I have to be in a White Sock’s company, so be it. The other good news is that the cast will likely come off in three weeks, 4 days before my high school reunion. I don’t particularly want to go to the reunion. I could have stayed in touch with these people if I wanted to and Facebook gives me all the “what are you up to these days” information anyway. But it is two el stops away from my apartment so I feel like I should go. Still – $90 to drink at Rock Bottom? My shitty fraternity had a formal there for half that.

In other news I bought ski boots.

That is all.


bill roentgen appreciation day

August 26, 2008

Went to the hand doc today who took x-rays and it looks like I won’t need a pin. I am now in something they called a clamdigger cast, which is great, because nobody digs clams like I do. The only bad thing about this cast is it will not get through my suit coat sleeve, so I have to go to depositions with one sleeve on and the other side draped over me like I am a crippled soldier or fucking James Brown doing the cape routine.

Before that I was at a new dentist. They also took x-rays (of my teeth). I have not been for two years. That is because my last dentist was a eastern European stone cold bitch who made me feel like a periodontal Pol Pot because of the bad shape my gums were in. She told me i had ACUTE NECROTIZING ULCERATIVE GINIVITIS which had led to bone loss and scared the living fuck out of me. When I told my new dentist that he laughed. “You’ve never had it. You would have had pus coming out of your mouth and your breath would smell a mile away. In 7 years at this location I’ve never seen a case of it. That’s ridiculous. Your gums are the same as 9 out of 10 people out there.” So I have some mild gingivitis but they gave me some chlorhexidine mouthwash to take care of it.

I am so pissed at that former dentist, and my wrath is threefold:

  • I do not like being lied to,
  • I missed a week of drinking because I was on unnecessary antibiotics including metronidazole which will KILL YOU IF YOU HAVE ONE SIP OF BEER while on it. Allegedly.
  • My dramatic blog post about that dentist visit, from my last blog, which I thought was very clever, is now completely vitiated. However I reproduce it here, in the hopes that somebody will finally enjoy my Phil Niekro joke:
Cheerful Update
Went to the dentist, finally. I have what’s known, colloquially, as “trench mouth,” which is not to be confused with “gutter mouth,” with which I am also afflicted. Any kind of excavation-mouth, I have it.

Trench mouth sounds better, to me, than “acute necrotizing gingivitis” which is what the dentist called it.* Apparently the condition is caused by stress. Severe stress. The kind of stress you might experience if you were sitting in a trench in WWI and shells were exploding and limbs were falling off and your buddies were rotting in the mud next to you, hence the name.

I’m trying to figure out where this particular stress in my life came from. People who know me know I worry about just about everything but really the worrying has been better than it used to be. I’ve had this gum problem for months now. I must have been more stressed in Virginia than I thought, even though I didn’t basically do anything for the whole time I was there. Including brushing my teeth properly, I guess. I don’t know. Is a general malaise = stress?

The best part is, it’s the first time in a while where I’ve already booked myself two social events in one weekend, and I can’t drink because I’m on antibiotics.

*Not to be confused with “acute niekrotizing gingivitis,” in which you start to develop knuckles on your gums.

So then the third big thing today was the first of my two fantasy football drafts. This year I did something different, which is, actually prepare for the draft. Usually I just sort of have a loose list in my head based on faulty memories of last season and watching Bears preseason games. Not this year. This time around I cooked up a massive spreadsheet that calculated both the 2007 actual player value based on my fantasy league’s scoring, and the projected 2008 value based on professional predictions. I then took the 2007 value, and ran a sort of ghetto mean regression based on the values found on this site.

I didn’t stick to it rigorously, because of issues like bye weeks, subsequent trades, intuition, contrary conventional wisdom and naturally the latest injury reports, which of course once again involve x-rays, and thus I have my theme for this post.

This was a keeper league where you could keep up to 4 players but I only kept 2 due to some fucktarded trades at the end of last year, including Jamal Lewis for Vince Young, which as you can see, I remedied:

The keepers were Westbrook and Hoshamazoli. I am feeling optimistic about Witten, who I had, in my spreadsheet, as ranked even above Gates, Kellen Winslow, and Tony Gonzalez (who went surprisingly low). I would have liked to have gotten Rashard Mendenhall but I am happy about Rice. Anyway. The other league is 14 teams which is much deeper than I’m used to; that draft is next week.

EDIT: For the first time ever I have drafted a team with NO BEARS on it. This was on purpose.

the broken hand post

August 18, 2008

If you are ever playing a soccer game, and defending a corner kick, and your goalie yells “back post” and you are not covering somebody, please get your ass on the back post. This way, you prevent a guy from crashing the back door and zipping the ball past your goalkeeper at point-blank range.

It’s very frustrating for a keeper.

Frustrating enough for him to punch the goalpost. Hard. Which is why my hand is in a cast today.

Fifth metacarpal is broken. It is what is called a boxer’s fracture. There was no bullshitting the doctor. I said something to the effect of “I was playing goal and my hand hit the goalpost.” He looked at me and said “OK, it hit the goalpost or YOU hit the goalpost.” The orderly who was nearby related how he got his boxer’s fracture by punching a couch. This made me feel like less of an idiot.

I have some hydrocodone but am reluctant to take it at work. If I do I will report on wacky side-effects.

Couple of things I am already sick of:

  • “Well you shouldn’t have done that!”
  • “I thought you played soccer with your feet!”
  • “The goalpost will usually win that one!”

If you are feeling particularly funny and purposely tell me one of these things, in person or in the comments, I am seriously going to tubgirl you.

On a completely unrelated note, I was searching for video of Bela Karolyi watching the all-around and cheering for the US while he was “off-air” – couldn’t find the original but found the same bit with the all-around video replaced with video of turtles humping, which is surprisingly SFW and so, so, so much more hilarious.

earful of craptonite

May 21, 2008

I was listening to the Cubs/Astros game on the radio yesterday and I heard Pat Hughes say that the next guy up was Matt Suhey. I’m like, that’s crazy, Matt Suhey was the fullback for the greatest sports team of all time, the 1985-86 Chicago Bears.

It wasn’t until I was watching today’s game that I realized they were talking about Kaz Matsui. And it’s not like I don’t know that Kaz Matsui exists. I specifically remember an exchange from Monday’s game about how Matsui and Fukudome went to high school together.

This is not the first time I’ve heard something stupid like that. When I was much much younger, I would listen to sports reports on the radio and I would notice that Yukon was a very good basketball program. I don’t know how long it took me to realize that they were talking about Connecticut, aka UConn. And again, I knew that UConn was a basketball powerhouse, but there I was, thinking that a bunch of eskimos in the outlands of Canada were this unlikely college-hoops dynamo. I just couldn’t make the connection between the UConn I knew on paper and what I heard.

I’m going to posit that this is all because English is not my first language. More likely, I’m just a tard.

Am I alone here? Please tell me this happens to other people.

notes from the underground

March 7, 2008

It was my intention to bring you the notes from my harassment training, because it is one of the few times that my doodles would be ethically available for public display. Generally, they adorn notes that constitute attorney work-product, which, for those of you who are not lawyers, means basically that they are privileged.

But harassment training is not privileged, and so I thought I would publish my notes for the world to see.

Things didn’t work out so well. I was late to begin with, and went up to the wrong floor, which should have been a sign. When I walked in I knew something was off, and a few minutes later, it was confirmed. As promised, my notes, in their entirety, for the meeting:


I awkwardly excused myself from my table of four as we did our first “group activity,” thanking them for the opportunity to “live the dream” for a few minutes. I returned to my office where my secretary was working on my computer. She goes right into an explanation of how the technical issue I asked her to look at has been resolved. I am happy to hear this but I am also curious so I ask:

“Are you wondering why I am back so soon?”

This won’t help most of you, but if you have ever seen Galaxy Quest, my secretary kind of talks like Tony Shaloub’s character in that movie. Except female. So her response was: “Because it was a share partner meeting?”

“That’s right.”

She had figured that I had gotten squeezed in, or that it didn’t matter, or there was a scheduling change, or something. “Don’t ever assume that I know what I’m doing,” I warned her. And now I am back at work.