Archive for the ‘i am easily distracted’ Category

blog clearinghouse

June 10, 2008

i have 16 draft posts that i haven’t completed. some of them eventually may turn into something, but most of them are dead ends. they are presented herein, with minimal editing and no transitions. on a dvd, this would be called bonus material. here it’s just shit.

[post #1 – untitled]

A girl I talked to Friday night told me I’m a hater. I started to disagree with her but given that on Thursday I changed my facebook status to “Pete is a hater” I felt mildly insincere in my argument.

Let’s embrace it. Here’s some things that I’m hating on currently.

Bob Howry – [ed.: at this point i passed out while searching for pictures evidencing my claim that Howry looks like the guy who played Frank Nitti in the Untouchables]

[post #2 – untitled]

I am sort of obsessed with the “List of Demands” song (“I got a list of demands, written on the palms of my hands.”) which is in this Nike ad now. It’s not so much that I like the song — I guess it’s fine — it’s just that I am generally anti-Nike (for no good reason) and I’ve really gotten into the “i got a list of X, written on the [subpart] of my [thing that rhymes with X]” meme. Today while dealing with privilege logs at work, for example, it was “I got a list of privileged docs, written on the toes of my socks.” This is the sort of thing I do to provide me some fleeting amusement as I pass the grimly hollow moments of my life until the pallid green hand of Death pulls me into the abyss. (I was this close to titling this post “I got a list of complaints, written on the base of my taint,” but in light of the Gravitas Initiative I held back.)

  • “If it is not broke, don’t fix it” is a phrase that somebody needs to pass along to the sloped-foreheads at Coca-Cola. The Coke people have recently implemented a new cap on their 20 oz products. It is smaller and not as ridged as the old one. My clumsy fingers slip and slide all over the damn thing.

[post #3 – jobs i think i might be good at]

10.
9.
8.
2. antipope
1.

[post #4 – untitled]

gold card.

And just to balance the vibe a little, here’s something I don’t hate: an Aronson Furniture commercial from the 80s. Here is what you need to know about Aronson Furniture:
1. It is was the home of the credit connection.
2. It hasd the catchiest jingle this side of Rockenbach Chevrolet, which will probably be featured soon on this blog.
Aronson went tits-up a couple of years ago – perhaps Aronson’s subprime furniture loan crisis triggered our current economic woes? We may never know.

I think I heard the Aronson jingle for the first time in the late 80s, on my way back from a Cub Scout meeting with my dad. It was probably on WBBM Newsradio 78, during a Blackhawks broadcast (not really news radio, are you, you lying scum). It has been stuck in my head for about 20 years.

[post #5 – untitled cubs post]

Every year there are a number of Storylines when it comes to the Cubs. Here are this year’s Storylines:

1. The first storyline isn’t specific to this year. Every year the #1 storyline is that the Cubs have not won a World Series in X-1908, where X is the current year on the Gregorian calendar. This storyline is particularly poignant this year, when performing the X-1908 calculation yields the number of fingers that non-mutant, non-table-saw-abusing humans have, multiplied by the number of toes such humans have. (This does not apply in Ethiopia, where it is only 2000, and accordingly I am telling my parents that I am not going to be a pre-med anymore. Political science? What is this political science? I would be more proud of you if you was prostitute than if you were in politics*).

2. Another important storyline is the arrival of Kosuke Fukudome. The most fun part of this storyline will be attending a game in mid-August with a girl who figures out that Fukudome looks kind of like “Fuck you dome” or, if she is gunning for the Nobel prize in literature, “Fuck you, do me” and thus catching up with what every man in Chicago figured out last December.

* verbatim quote. Mom actually busted out the English for this one.

Advertisements

for the public good

March 5, 2008

I have to take a short break from working on my pro bono case to share this with the blogcinity.

The case is an asylum proceeding, which means my research is mainly cases about immigration law. That in turn means that the case captions I come across are usually something along the lines of [crazy immigrant name] vs. [then-current US Attorney General]. Now I have nothing against crazy immigrant name. I have something of a crazy immigrant name myself. And having such, I’ve frequently maintained that most crazy immigrant names are managable if you just sort of sound it out.

But nothing in my life prepared me for this:

Xhevgjet KLLOKOQI v.Alberto R. GONZALES, Attorney General of the United States, 439 F.3d 336 (7th Cir. 2005)

This is hands down the strangest name ever. God Shammgod has nothing on this.

“That’s a typo,” a friend of mine declared. “It’s like they missed the keyboard slightly,” I agreed. Which got me thinking that maybe they HAD missed the keyboard. So I gave it a shot. Shifting left yielded Zgwcfhwr Jkkiji u (yes there’s a [tab] in there); shifting right got me Cjrbhky L;;plwo. So not a lot of progress there.

Then I recalled the Caesar cipher, which we all remember as kids from like Boys’ Life magazine or whatever, where you shift the letters up or down a certain amount. I found an online shifter set to 21, which got me more gibberish, but I knocked it up to 22 and the skies cleared. Here, I reproduce for you all 26 possible shifts as produced in a handy Excel spreadsheet that I got here and modified slightly.

name.jpg

So there you have it. Xhevgjet Kllokoqi is just a clever code name for Blizknix Oppsosum, who I can only assume is some sort of drunken marsupial supervilliain. OK. So that’s kind of how I amuse myself as I go through life. I should get back to work before they fire my ass.

politics are tricky

February 27, 2008

International relations are complex, and let’s face it, in between American Idol and buying Cubs tickets, there’s not much time to get up to speed on which richly sophisticated culture is taking the machetes to the neighbors today. The good news is that through the power of the intertubes, the media can present both sides of a story succinctly and persuasively. For example, I started out thinking that Kosovar independence was probably a good thing. But now I’m not sure what to think.

serb2.jpg

Against Kosovo independence

Kosovo Serb girls wearing Serbian military caps attend a protest against the independence of Kosovo in the Serbian part of the ethnically divided town of Kosovska Mitrovica. (AP/Zvezdan Djukanovic / February 27, 2008)

For some reason I am put in mind of when I was reading up on Lebanese democracy* three years ago:

leb2.jpg

If this Economist cover compels you to learn more about the attractive Lebanese women struggling for democracy you can check out this blog which apparently was all over the issue in the brief 2-week span anybody cared about it.

* also the name of a long-awaited Night Ranger album.