Archive for the ‘music’ Category

the kuma burger post

March 11, 2008

The following is apparently a collaborative effort with the ineffable Kenny Havok at Zubaz and Cock Rock and Cutley of Robot in Disguise, which is not, as I had hoped, a blog about Styx’s 1983 magnum opus Kilroy Was Here but is a pretty damn good blog nonetheless.

Kenny Havok has blogged about our visit to Kuma’s Corner, which has excellent half-pound burgers named after heavy metal bands, but also has ludicrously long wait times, especially if you are waiting for your first meal of the day at 9:30 pm on a Sunday. All in all it is a good experience though.

I also received a massage from Mr. Havok, which helped with the waiting.

I ordered something called a YOB burger. I don’t know if that’s Y.O.B. or yob and even the esteemed Mr. Havok wasn’t sure, although he did inform me that they were a well known “doom metal” band. Then he explained what doom metal was.

I can’t pretend to be a metalhead. I’m a commercial litigator whose idea of a good time is raspberry sorbet topped with rainbow sprinkles (you think I’m lying). Sure my iPod has no shortage of Metallica, Zeppelin, AC/DC, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden. But it also has at least one Spice Girls song on it, and I like it, even if I have no idea what the words are. (“Shake it to the left, if you’re having a good time, shave me upside down, I’m going to Cucamonga?”)

Anyway, along with Kenny’s post here, here are my suggestions for burgers named after rock bands. Kuma already has burgers named after some of these bands, but I think my suggestions, of course, are better.

Led Zeppelin
Led Zeppelin likes their burgers like they like their women – stuffed with mudshark.

T. Rex
Girl I made a burger for ya
From a unicorn horn, and a hat I’ve worn
Topped with hydra teeth, and a holly wreath
With a side of fries made from mongoose thighs.
Served on a hubcap diamond star halo oh yeah.

(If the T. Rex seems tasty but a half-pound is too much, order up the quarter-pound Dio.)

Lita Ford
No meat, just a pair of hot buns.

Van Halen
Tastes pretty good to start. Tastes different after a few bites but still good. Then suddenly the whole thing falls apart, and no matter how you try to reassemble it, it always goes to pieces right when you think you’re about to get another delicious bite.

Metallica
Dave Mustaine will personally piss on every one of these burgers.

Guns’N’Roses
Topped with water chestnuts, bok choi, and szechuan sauce, the kitchen will have that ready for you “any minute now.”

Take that one to heart.

Advertisements

Hey Vedder — cram it with walnuts

April 24, 2006

Fucking Vitalogy. I have a very neatly organized CD collection. Alpha by artist, chrono within artist. But of COURSE they had to print Vitalogy with the spine on the LONG side. So either I have to turn it so all you can see is PAGES, or I turn it so I can read the spine but it sticks up over all the other CDs. Corduroy and Nothingman are good tunes, but they aren’t worth the disruption of my CD bookcase feng shui.

I’m aware this complaint is about 11 years behind the times. I get backed up.

The worst of both worlds:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The Three Worst Songs Ever

March 9, 2006

3. My Humps – When I hear “lady lumps” I think CERVICAL CANCER. Unappealling image, idiotic song.

2. Crimson and Clover – this song sucks, and then they start doing that choppy Cri-im-mson-a-and-cl-o-ov-ve-er-ov-ver-er- etc. Yargh.

1. Summer Girls by LFO. Horrible.

I would write more about each of these songs but I just get angry.

Top 10 Songs Which Encourage the Listener to Ride A Swan

March 1, 2006
  1. Ride a White Swan – T. Rex
  2. Ride a Black Swan – Zwan

Top 10 Porn Titles of Beatles Songs

December 14, 2005


[Due to increased readership, I am implementing, starting with this post, a warning system, where I make a subjective judgment on the content of my post. Obscene posts will be marked with Mr. Yuck. I have chosen Mr. Yuck as the herald of obsecenity for two reasons; firstly, I have always liked Mr. Yuck, secondly, he fits with the color scheme.]

10. She Came All Over The Bathroom Window
9. We Can Whip It Out
8. You Never Give Me Your Money Shot
7. When I’m Sixty-Nine
6. I Should Have Blown Better
5. Any Hole At All
4. The Long and Winding Chode
3. You Know I Came (Look Up Your Nostril)
2. Magical Fistery Tour
1. The Continual Storming of Bill’s Bungahole

I did not come up with number 10 or number 9 (number 9) . I didn’t just think these up out of the blue. But now that I’ve put the work into it, I thought I would put it out there for the amusement of all, and the revulsion of some.

LATER: For your further enjoyment: Eight Gays a Week, Helter Felcher, Fist and Shout

And as the coup de grace, from their days in the Star Club in Hamburg: Komm Isst Dir Meine Scheisse.