Archive for the ‘top 10 lists’ Category

top 10 chicago ads

June 27, 2008

If you grew up in Chicago in the 80s and 90s and had as few friends as I did then you watched a lot of TV. Here are some of the ads you absorbed for products that you were decades away from affording.

10. Rockenbach Chevrolet
Rockenbach is the first of several car dealerships on the top 10 list, and the first of several ads that are here strictly because of their jingle. Unfortunately I can’t find a clip of the ad on the interwebs. We’ve got Chevys and Chevys and Chevys, in Grayslake, saave a lot, at Rockenbach Chevroleeeet.

9. Celozzi-Ettelson Chevrolet (and Geo!)
There’s not even a jingle here – just a classic catchphrase uttered by two would-be mob henchmen. There are many examples of these guys on the YouTubes, but I picked this one for nostalgia over Geo cars. It’s 1992 and the Metro is getting 50+ MPG? WTF, Detroit.

I would be remiss if I did not mention Celozzi and Ettelson’s Pizza Hut ad. Wait – who was that at the end?

8. Mad Max Madsen
Another car dealership, and I’ve definitely never seen a TV spot from them. The format is always the same. We start with the jingle “He’s mad, he’s bad, Max Madsen.” A phone rings and an Indian stereotype answers with “Hallo, this is de doctor? Oh hallo grand poo-bah!” This is followed by an absurd recitation of the current hot deals in feigned disbelief. The conclusion is always “oh, Max, you may be bad and you may be mad…but youu’re not craaaaazy!”

I think everybody can relate to this ad. We’ve all been there. For example, when I used to work part-time at Borders I would always call my dentist and tell him about all the great deals that were available “What’s that? Steve Miller Band’s Greatest Hits for $7.99? Oh Pete, you may have gum disease, but you’re not crazy!”

7. Golf Mill Ford
Shame I couldn’t find this ad online either. This was a combo visual and jingle thing. The point of the ad was to encourage you to bring your shitheap of a used car to Golf Mill Ford for trade-in cash (this is a hot market in the Chicagoland area, as we’ll see later). The jingle was “Push it. Pull it. Tow it to Golf Mill Ford.” On screen, a massive fatass apparently named Stu would act out each command as it was spoken. At the end of the ad we were once again reminded “So do like Stu and you’ll save too. Push it. Pull it. Tow it to Golf Mill Ford.”

6. Peter Francis Geraci
I went to law school and I think I still learned more about bankruptcy law from Peter Francis Geraci commercials. The PFG is a bankruptcy attorney who apparently swallowed a bucket of Valium in 1983 and has yet to recover. He stares into the camera and mesmerizes you into calling his bankruptcy info tapes, which are always written on screen as ((INFO))((TAPES)), which either indicates that they are AUDIO TAPES or that there is some kind of SEISMIC ACTIVITY associated with the phone call. I don’t have a youtube link for this one but his ads often featured a Michael Jordan signed basketball in the background. This is not the last time that MJ basketballs will appear on this list.

5. Moo and Oink

This is not a joke. People actually buy meat from this place.

4. Aronson

Aronson was previously discussed, along with a YouTube clip, in this post. Aronson furniture is out of business, but the jingle remains in my head forever.

3. Empire Carpet
A lot of people might have put this at #1 but I think there are a couple of better entries. The Empire Guy suffers from being too earnest and likeable. We all know the jingle. I don’t even know my own land line number, but I can order carpet anytime I want. FYYVE AIGHT AIGHT, TOO THREEE HUNDURD EMPIIIIIIRE. At some point in my life they added “Today” right after the EMPIIIIIRE, like a sort of travelocity DOT COMMM.
But aside from the jingle, the ads change too often and have too high a production value to be truly kitschy and beloved by those who wear ironic t-shirts.

Also, this is an election year, so let’s use somebody’s comments from years ago against them. Keep in mind that Empire now sells window treatments and bath liners.

Pwn3d, Mr. Empire.
And, as promised, the second appearance of Michael Jordan basketballs:

2. Eagle Man

Eagle Man is probably the most bizarre entry on this list. I guess it made sense at first, you have a company named Eagle Auto Insurance, you spend five minutes thinking up a character called Eagle Man, and he brings you low auto rates. Eagle Man first appeared in an ad where he came to the aid of two chicks apparently on the way to a Winger concert. It was a pretty straight-forward ad, although all lines were delivered with the comic timing of a rotting eggplant. You can see this ad here if so inclined. Then things got weird. The next ad featured the weirdest fucking car dealership on the planet, and, against all odds, even worse comic timing. For no reason that I can discern, car insurance was sold by a mustachioed woman named “Freak” who was using oversized playing cards to torment a woman tied to a chair. Eagle Man saves the day again.

The third ad was where Eagle really jumped the shark. It was really just a retread of the first ad – accident, no insurance, whatever shall I do? But in this case the uninsured motorist was local radio celebrity Mancow Muller, and it was Eagle WOMAN who came to his rescue. In defense of this ad, this was the first one in the series featuring a chick who I would bang.

Victory Auto Wreckers

In a world of change, we need something to serve as a touchstone – a memory of a bygone era. The Victory Auto Wreckers ad is constant as the northern star. Almost. As my friend Homes noted, Victory used to have seven acres of parts: starters, transmissions, batteries. Now it has ten. Also, the lawyers probably got to them – “that old car” used to be worth money. Now, it might be worth money. But everything else is exactly the same.

Here is the old version, back when Bensenville was still 312 (imagine!)

And here it is today

The car still fetches sixty bucks, the spare-parts yard is still littered with Studebakers and DeSotos, and our hero still looks like he’s bummed because he just got kicked out of Foghat.

Honorable mention goes to Al Piemonte and Bob Rohrman. Both are fixtures on the Chicago car-dealership ad scene, but I don’t think either of them are memorable enough to place in the top 10, especially amongst such stiff competition.

You may also note Menards is missing from this list. The reasoning for this omission is simple: fuck Menards.


blog clearinghouse

June 10, 2008

i have 16 draft posts that i haven’t completed. some of them eventually may turn into something, but most of them are dead ends. they are presented herein, with minimal editing and no transitions. on a dvd, this would be called bonus material. here it’s just shit.

[post #1 – untitled]

A girl I talked to Friday night told me I’m a hater. I started to disagree with her but given that on Thursday I changed my facebook status to “Pete is a hater” I felt mildly insincere in my argument.

Let’s embrace it. Here’s some things that I’m hating on currently.

Bob Howry – [ed.: at this point i passed out while searching for pictures evidencing my claim that Howry looks like the guy who played Frank Nitti in the Untouchables]

[post #2 – untitled]

I am sort of obsessed with the “List of Demands” song (“I got a list of demands, written on the palms of my hands.”) which is in this Nike ad now. It’s not so much that I like the song — I guess it’s fine — it’s just that I am generally anti-Nike (for no good reason) and I’ve really gotten into the “i got a list of X, written on the [subpart] of my [thing that rhymes with X]” meme. Today while dealing with privilege logs at work, for example, it was “I got a list of privileged docs, written on the toes of my socks.” This is the sort of thing I do to provide me some fleeting amusement as I pass the grimly hollow moments of my life until the pallid green hand of Death pulls me into the abyss. (I was this close to titling this post “I got a list of complaints, written on the base of my taint,” but in light of the Gravitas Initiative I held back.)

  • “If it is not broke, don’t fix it” is a phrase that somebody needs to pass along to the sloped-foreheads at Coca-Cola. The Coke people have recently implemented a new cap on their 20 oz products. It is smaller and not as ridged as the old one. My clumsy fingers slip and slide all over the damn thing.

[post #3 – jobs i think i might be good at]

2. antipope

[post #4 – untitled]

gold card.

And just to balance the vibe a little, here’s something I don’t hate: an Aronson Furniture commercial from the 80s. Here is what you need to know about Aronson Furniture:
1. It is was the home of the credit connection.
2. It hasd the catchiest jingle this side of Rockenbach Chevrolet, which will probably be featured soon on this blog.
Aronson went tits-up a couple of years ago – perhaps Aronson’s subprime furniture loan crisis triggered our current economic woes? We may never know.

I think I heard the Aronson jingle for the first time in the late 80s, on my way back from a Cub Scout meeting with my dad. It was probably on WBBM Newsradio 78, during a Blackhawks broadcast (not really news radio, are you, you lying scum). It has been stuck in my head for about 20 years.

[post #5 – untitled cubs post]

Every year there are a number of Storylines when it comes to the Cubs. Here are this year’s Storylines:

1. The first storyline isn’t specific to this year. Every year the #1 storyline is that the Cubs have not won a World Series in X-1908, where X is the current year on the Gregorian calendar. This storyline is particularly poignant this year, when performing the X-1908 calculation yields the number of fingers that non-mutant, non-table-saw-abusing humans have, multiplied by the number of toes such humans have. (This does not apply in Ethiopia, where it is only 2000, and accordingly I am telling my parents that I am not going to be a pre-med anymore. Political science? What is this political science? I would be more proud of you if you was prostitute than if you were in politics*).

2. Another important storyline is the arrival of Kosuke Fukudome. The most fun part of this storyline will be attending a game in mid-August with a girl who figures out that Fukudome looks kind of like “Fuck you dome” or, if she is gunning for the Nobel prize in literature, “Fuck you, do me” and thus catching up with what every man in Chicago figured out last December.

* verbatim quote. Mom actually busted out the English for this one.

top 10 jfk-marilyn monroe porn titles

April 15, 2008

The most disappointing news of the week is that the Marilyn Monroe sex tape film will not be released to the public. If you don’t know, Marilyn is apparently shown blowing a guy in the 50s (the decade – the guy’s age is unknown). Apparently you can’t see his face but back in the day, J. Edgar Hoover was trying to prove that it was JFK. I imagine that FBI agents would say “the Director is trying to prove it’s JFK” as a code message that meant “Hoover’s wearing a dress and spanking it to the Marilyn video in the evidence locker.”

Anyway. We may never get to see the video, and it may not even be JFK, but what’s the harm in getting some potential JFK porn titles out there, just in case, as we did once with porn titles of Beatles songs.

Due to some concerns about the SFWicity of this post, I’ve moved the top ten list after the jump. No pictures, just some filthy, filthy words.


Top 10 Ways To Kill Self At Work Due To Bear’s Loss

February 5, 2007

10. OD on store-brand ibuprofen which I keep in office for headaches and hangovers.
9. Slit wrists with letter opener.
8. Scotch tape mouth, nostrils shut.
7. Throw printer through 61st story window, follow printer.
6. Two words: stapler, jugular.
5. Hang self with incredibly long phone cord.
4. Pour styrofoam cup of water onto carpet, jab letter opener into electric socket.
3. Poison self with ink from the pens that always start leaking when you take them on an airplane.
2. Jump in front of mail cart as it comes around.
1. Use assault rifle I keep in filing cabinet under R (for “rifle”).

Top 10 Songs Which Encourage the Listener to Ride A Swan

March 1, 2006
  1. Ride a White Swan – T. Rex
  2. Ride a Black Swan – Zwan

Top 10 Porn Titles of Beatles Songs

December 14, 2005

[Due to increased readership, I am implementing, starting with this post, a warning system, where I make a subjective judgment on the content of my post. Obscene posts will be marked with Mr. Yuck. I have chosen Mr. Yuck as the herald of obsecenity for two reasons; firstly, I have always liked Mr. Yuck, secondly, he fits with the color scheme.]

10. She Came All Over The Bathroom Window
9. We Can Whip It Out
8. You Never Give Me Your Money Shot
7. When I’m Sixty-Nine
6. I Should Have Blown Better
5. Any Hole At All
4. The Long and Winding Chode
3. You Know I Came (Look Up Your Nostril)
2. Magical Fistery Tour
1. The Continual Storming of Bill’s Bungahole

I did not come up with number 10 or number 9 (number 9) . I didn’t just think these up out of the blue. But now that I’ve put the work into it, I thought I would put it out there for the amusement of all, and the revulsion of some.

LATER: For your further enjoyment: Eight Gays a Week, Helter Felcher, Fist and Shout

And as the coup de grace, from their days in the Star Club in Hamburg: Komm Isst Dir Meine Scheisse.